Monday, January 03, 2005

Just another sad computer story

I am currently typing on a computer that is but half here. There are numerous hidden beasties and goblins in it. Half of the programs are contaminated with half of what they need and half of what they don't. It used to just lock up every once in awhile. I could live with that. But recently I have developed the hyperlink syndrome, pop ups that are near impossible to remove from the screen and other irritating and drive me crazy glitches that make me want to throw this damn thing in the lake.

I have sought help from strangers as far away as Toronto and British Columbia. I know they are snickering at my computer ineptitude. Oh Well, at some point, humility always finds us. When it does, the smart move is to suck it up and deal with it. I am sucking it up, but so far, I am unable to deal with it. Should this go on much longer , there may be a 2 column story on page 10 in the Portland Press Herald about some guy who went ballistic and threw his computer in the Mousam River and then jumped in behind it. A sad story, a short tale of modern technology winning over the basic frustration of Man. In two days , the World will have moved on and the Man can finally have the peace he sought, but could not get when seated in front of his computer.

And while I sport a fair ego, I am not above admitting my limitations and when I reach them. And it is now time to admit another limit has been reached. I know for those folks who live, sleep, and eat 1's and 0's, my problem is a laugher. But I am not laughing. I am slowly and steadily going bonkers. I might get 20 good minutes out of this POS and then something happens. The cursor locks up like it was hit with Super glue. Or maybe I will accidentally set off one of the parasitic hyperlinks and then it's Show Time. Pop Up Hell.

And all the while, the little green gremlins have decided that my computer is a comfortable and safe place in which to play their evil games. They are all just waiting with bated breath for their chance to perform. Before, when it was the occaisional lock-up, or obnoxious number of e-mails, I am guessing only an exploratory patrol had discovered the inner world of Mike's Computer. But as soon as they could get back to Gremlin Central with the report of a slovenly run and cared for computer just waiting to be raped and pillaged, the big guns started to move in.

The presence of the big boys has finally shaken me out of my computer stupor. I know now this is more than a war of small skirmishes. These guys are serious and will not be satisfied with less than total control. I really do not see what they get out of it. Once they have control, I just won't turn it on. Then we both lose.

But I think they just want to engage me. They want battle, so they don't go for the quick kill. They want to play with me first. String me along. Create just enough havoc to keep me interested in doing battle. Call it the death by 1000 pop ups.

My first attempts at cleaning things up were a disaster. I wiped all the cookies off my drive and guess what, this Blog among other recently important data was flushed down the etheral toilet. Took me 1/2 hour to re-discover this Blog. The other stuff, well, casualties of friendly fire I guess.

And look. No, don't be obvious. Just take a glance up and to the right. It seems they have found me once again. The overpowering Hyper Link has arrived. It follows me everywhere I go. Waiting patiently for that special combination of letters to show up so it can cast it's spell and bring them under their control. An evil and insidious beast who feels that of all the words out there, some belong to them.

An Afterword
As it turns out, I am not able to publish this wonderful post with the Hyper link entrencehed in my words. Apparently Google is smarter than I am. I had to change the words from "Hard Drive" to "drive". It is certainly nice to know there are folks looking out for me when I can't look out for myself. All is not lost afterall.

No comments: