Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Back in the Saddle Again


Stay out of the blogging asylum for few days and what happens when I come back? It's the same old place, but I feel like a tourist again. Picking up where I left off just what, six days ago might as well have been a month or even longer. The eclectic group of bloggers I have chosen to make up the list of blogs I follow are all over the map with the same focus twisted slightly to reflect this week's mindset. My head swims as I try top play catch up and fall seamlessly back into the way things are here outside of the real world. It ain't working. The only thing that works is to blow off what I may have missed and jump back onto the carousel and hope I find a pole to hold onto while I get my bearings once again.

For those who care - Fernando is proving the old axiom about cats and the number of lives they seem to have. He is still wearing the cone head, but his drain was removed today and he seems on the road to recovery.

Thanksgiving alone was barely noticed as I had Fernando to keep me from dwelling on it. I had a wonderful left over meal of pork chops and whatever else was in the fridge. Thankful for the fact all I had to do was punch in some time on the microwave.

The Pats are quickly proving they are not what we had hoped for.

That pretty much covers the high spots of my last six days. Hope yours went as well as mine did.

Art by Reginald Marsh, 1930 -from this site

Thursday, November 26, 2009

A Ruined Day

Well it's Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving to any and all who might or might not, or maybe had a notion to stop by.

I am experiencing Thanksgiving as a solo act for the first time since before I became the Mr. in a Mr.& Mrs. duet almost 29 years ago. When I drove trucks over the road, I missed quite a few of the holidays the rest of the country and much of the World take for granted. It did not bother me then, and it does not bother me now. It's just odd is all. I fall into an annual routine, and when that routine is disrupted, it feels odd.

Missed a complete day of bike retailing yesterday. Shit. Missed the day completely I guess. The money part of the day anyway.

The day started out with a bang. A friend needed me and my pick up to run to Home depot to pick up his new snow blower. I suggested breakfast out and a quick off road ride after. I would then head home to shower and then back to the shop for a day of bicycle retail.

Everything went according to plan. Picked up the snow blower, ate the breakfast, went for the ride, and headed home to clean up. Now it should be noted that children and pets always seem to know the absolute worse time to become sick or injured. Right before I am about to take a trip. In the middle of the night as they puke on my pillow or next to the bed. It doesn't matter. Kids and pets are hard wired to make adult lives more complicated. They cannot help themselves. But neither can they resist either.

I was taking a moment to check emails before I took my shower. Fernando did his Fernando thing and jumped up on the desk to get his daily fix of head rubbing. Just as he places both paws on my shoulders and moves in for that first head butt, I noticed red fur under his chin.

"Jesus Christ Fernando, what the Hell did you get into now?"

No answer. Fernando is too busy purring and trying to knock my head around with his.

I grabbed his noggin and tipped it back. Remember my last post about launchin biscuits and how I handle blood and guts just fine but certain smells get to me? Under Fernando's chin was a huge hole. I was looking at his jaw bone. And it stunk. Like pus and goo, it stunk. I was okay with the hole, but the stink caused an involuntary and pathetic lurch of my stomach. The biggest abscess I had ever seen on a cat had chosen to blow open today.

"Fuckin Great Nando. The day before Thanksgiving. You better hope the vet is still around."

Fernando is not even paying attention. He has decided my ear needs to be nibbled.

I called the local vet. A very annoying message tells me the vet and everyone there will be out of reach until next Monday. If I have an emergency, contact either an emergency vet hospital in Scarborough, Maine or one in Newington, New Hampshire. I see my normal routine being shot out of the water as I consider which hour drive I want to take. I choose Newington because well, it won the proverbial coin toss I played in my mind.

I call ahead so they know I am coming. I jump in the shower. Finally I get Fernando in the cat carrier and off we go. 12 hours later at midnight, I stumble home with a cat wearing a cone, a bag full of antibiotics, pain medicine , and intricate instructions for the next 14 days Fernando and I will have to put up with this cone thing and a tube sticking out of his neck.

Poor little bastard. He hasn't figured out that the cone makes any tight spot he used to enjoy a tad more difficult to navigate now. Eating is going to be interesting. Although I see he has figured out the drinking thing okay. I am supposed to apply a warm compress on the afflicted site twice a day. My first effort this morning did not go so well. I'll figure it out. I always do.

To say my day yesterday was ruined would be a classic understatement. But considering what Fernando has to deal with, I would say I got off lucky.

Keep it 'Tween the Ditches..........................

(743 / 17,012)

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Technicolor Yawn

Okay, so I have a weak stomach. But come on let's be fair here. It is not weak in all gross situations, just selectively weak. Some things that result in retching and gagging in some folks, I never even so much as Hiccup. But even mention certain disgusting activities and my stomach flips on just the notion.

Take blood and guts in real life and I am there as a witness, or I have done it to myself. I will usually handle it at least without my hair trigger vomit switch engaging. But say I have to clean up cat vomit, Hell any vomit, or even see my own vomit, and Mr Man, I am off to the races. Puking or dry heaving sympathetically as if to show my solidarity with whoever or whatever and what they had just been through or were going through at that moment. I call it my Upchuck Cheer.

Smells of a certain persuasion will trigger my puking reflex. When I was real small and dumber than I am now, the sight of raw oysters going down anybody's throat could cause me to run from the table. I outgrew it and will dump a dozen oysters down my throat in a heartbeat. But as a wee lad, I found them truly the most disgusting thing humans considered food.

Tin Foil Hat brought this one minor character flaw front and center with his posted Utube video of an elephant giving birth. Instantly I was transported back to Freshman Biology At Towson State University just north of Bawlamer, Murland. I was late for my first class. Way late. The professor had already introduced himself, taken that first attendance, and was well into his classic teaching technique I would come to love as I was often hung over at 8 o'clock in the morning. He was showing a movie.

The classroom was one of those big college classes set up like a theater. Rows of seats at different heights set in a semi-circle focusing on a fancy wooden lectern from which I was to be enlightened, challenged, or put to sleep, which ever came first.

So what is the first thing I see as I walk into the darkened classroom? A ten foot high baby being born. I will never forget it. I puked right there on the top step. The remnants of my first college drunk running down the steps in front of me. So I discovered another unpleasant activity that my stomach had problems with. I avoided watching births of any kind after that until my daughter was born. Funny, but her birth went by without a hitch or a retch from me. Never figured out why.

Flash forward to a few minutes ago. I punched up Tin Foils latest posts. The most recent one was an excellent joke about Canadian housewives. The one previous was not so excellent. It is not like I was not warned. Tin Foil, being the responsible bloggin host he is, wrote in bold letters "It is not for everybody". But like some dumbass who just has to look because they were warned not to, I punched up the video. And the video started with a warning also and I paraphrase or well, just made it up - "Graphic stuff ahead! Beware ye of weak stomach."

At first I was handling it okay. And then I had to remove myself from the room. It seems birth is not to ever be on my list of okay to view activities. Although, all I suffered was some severe discomfort as my stomach turned upside down but held on and didn't eject any obnoxiousness.

I finished watching the video. Watching Mama elephant perform the equivalent of the doctor spank on the rear to get Junior up and running was awesome. It looked like brutality at first, but I guess elephants come ready for it. She got her kid to take its first breath.

So very cool. But next time I will remember to skip the first couple of minutes.

If you want to view it, hit the link to Tin Foil Hat. I just can't post it here. You understand I hope.

Huck on McDuff...........................


(696 / 16,269)

Monday, November 23, 2009

FFF #11 - Jessie's Woods

And so I offer this entry for Flash Fiction Friday - #11. Four words - Pater, Schlemiel, Pest, and Perpendicular were the odd words picked by Cormac for us to use somewhere in our fiction.

The inspiration for the setting and namesake for this story exists. Right across the road from my house as a matter of fact. The pictures are from those woods. And instead of Jessie - the name of those woods is The Mary Grant Nature Preserve. While all the incidents are figments of my imagination, Mary Grant did exist and she was indeed odd. Anyway, hope you like it.

Jessie's Woods

No more foreboding tunnel existed than this black hole cut through the tangled pucker that bordered Jessie's Woods. Pater Schmidt stared into it as he stood wavering at the entrance to Trail #2. No moon or stars broke through the canopy of mixed hardwoods, White Pine, and Hemlock that hovered 90 feet or so over his head. A light westerly breeze stirred the branches to murmured conversations, the trees voicing their displeasure at having been disturbed. The air, moist and heavy began to swirl into wisps preparing to move on from this sinister place.

Pater Schmidt had his flashlight. He checked once again for the long barrel .38 he had stuffed in his waistband. He was as ready as he could be. Yet he hesitated. The man-made courage of a gun and a flashlight could only support what personal courage he already carried with him. Their protection only went so far. It seemed the entrance at Trail #2 was their limit.

Schmidt stood rooted and considered what had brought him to this trail head on this dark night.

A second cat in as many days had failed to show up for supper. Mutter Schmidt had become anxious. With the boys gone now, her cats were all she had to fuss over. She followed Pater Schmidt into the living room after supper. Before he could settle down with his new "Yankee" magazine and his pipe she started in on him. "Aaric, Betty's gone now. Yesterday it was Dilfer. Somethings got em. Ya think ...?"

"Yeah, yeah. Okay.........Goddamn cats....Pain in the ass........ I can go look but it's a waste of time." Pater Schmidt dropped his magazine on the coffee table, stuffed his unfilled pipe back in his breast pocket and turned around. Still fussing, he grabbed his hat, a jacket, the flashlight, and opened the front door.

"Aaric, don't be a schlemiel. Take a gun. What are you going to do if you see a coyote or fox, pick up a stick and fling it at em?" Gerda held out his long barrel 38 with the chipped handle.

"Jesus Christ Gerda. You are such a damn pest. Okay, okay. ………These flippin cats of yours are more trouble than the three boys ever were. I'll take a gun. But I won't see anything. I never do." Pater Schmidt stuffed the gun in his belt and stepped off the porch and walked out into the dark night.

Every town has a spot like Jessie's Woods. A place, a space, a location that has become for one reason or another, a place to dread, a place to respect and tread softly in. It might be an empty house, a patch of woods, an abandoned railroad trestle or the end of a certain dark street where a single tired street light flickers sinister codes. Tall tales are born in these spots. Urban Myths can trace their roots to locations like Jessie's Woods. Words are whispered ear to ear, generation to generation, and Father to son, "Don't go near there, Beelzebub'll snatch your head, toss it in his gunny sack and head back down to Hell."

What became Jessie's Woods started out as a homestead back in the early 1800s. It was covered with White Pines over 150 feet tall. Cleared by hand, it became fields planted in grain and vegetables for a growing Boston some 90 miles away. Each year more "King's Pines" were harvested to build barns, Plank houses and fence posts. The fields of rocks and stumps were muscled outward in ever growing circles until they had found the edge of the property line. By 1890 the White Pines had ceded control to tillable land as far as the eye could see. In 1920, a doctor from Massachusetts named Wrentham bought the property. He allowed the fields to lie fallow. Over the years Mother Nature re-seeded the hardwood, Hemlock and White Pine. By 2009 the second growth looked like the first growth and had reclaimed the 15 acre parcel.

No one in town could agree on who erected the first structure on the property. Especially Willis Cobb and Franklin Pike. These two crusty old farts met every Sunday down to the Tradin Post for a paper, a coffee, and a good argument. They would sit at a small table near the beer cooler, each holding up a copy of the Sunday Telegram and sipping their coffee. Various grunts and “well lookee here” were mumbled as signals for this week’s argument to begin. On the odd Sunday when no recent issue caught them on different sides, they had a go to list of things they could hit up for heated debate. Who first settled Jessie’s Woods back in the early 1800’s was near the top of that list. They would each vent their opinion and as they always did, they ended their weekly dispute agreeing on who was the last person to live there. Jessie Wrentham, Dr. Wrentham’s daughter.

Jessie Wrentham was the last Wrentham on this branch of the Wrentham Family tree. She never married. Some said she had secret love affairs with men and women, but no one could prove these rumors. It was always, “So and so over to Shaw’s Ridge equipment told me Jessie was seeing that fancy woman from away who bought the lake cottage on Horn Pond”. Always someone told them, but no one could ever seem confirm the truth with that someone.

What was obvious to all who knew her, Jessie was odd. She kept to herself, never engaged in more conversation than was needed, and was never without her straw hat and hand carved hiking stick. She walked everywhere. Jessie had taken over the family place and lived there maybe five years, when she was found sprawled dead across the threshold of her front door. Her skull had been crushed. Her hat and hiking stick were never located.

And another local legend began. Over the next 50 years, her odd ways became wicked ways with tales of her being part of an evil cult somewhere. Another story had her coming back as a ghost haunting the orchard and woods behind her house looking for her murderer. It was this tale that stuck. Off and on, people would contend they had seen her in the woods, often in the vicinity of the two Indian Mounds at the back of the property.

With no heirs, Jessie left her property to a land trust in Massachusetts. They were not interested. They turned it over to another land trust. That trust turned her old property into a park. Demolished the house, saved the barn and cut in 2 trails for folks to enjoy.

Pater Schmidt knew the stories. He had even briefly known Jessie. He had briefly lusted after Jessie. He grew up and to this day still lived across the road from the old Wrentham place. At the age of 14, it was he who had found her sprawled over her threshold. At age 14, it was he who had crushed her head earlier with that walking stick of hers. With this image of Jessie, her head misshapen and bloody, her dead eyes staring up in his mind, Pater Schmidt stepped into the darkness of Jessie’s Woods.


The hole in the darkness his flashlight created seemed to stop a paltry ten feet or so in front of him. The improved trails were easy enough to follow. But Schmidt knew he would have to step off them into the undergrowth to have any luck locating the foolish cats or their remains. Prey caught by varmints is not eaten trail side. Predators liked their privacy. In the pucker, up against the old stone walls, or in small clearings with no apparent access were where Pater Schmidt knew to look. And if for some reason either cat was still alive, they would surely be hunkered down inside one of many nooks and crannies in these woods, not near the trails.

Jessie’s Woods was defined by two old stone walls that ran perpendicular to Sam Page Road on the North and another old stone wall some 500 yards South. Pater Schmidt cut off from Trail #2 and headed to the East wall. Soon after stepping off the trail, the wind picked up. The groans and creaks of tightly bunched branches stepped up their complaining. To his left, he heard some dead fall come down. Big dead fall that took out smaller branches as it crashed to the ground.

Suddenly what might be going on over him was as important as finding something on the ground. He lifted his flashlight up. Above him in the canopy, a world of angry branches violently clashed with each other. Their long limbs twisted and turned with the rise and fall of the westerly wind. The wind had awakened an angry mob. Small pieces and parts of the canopy flashed through the beam of his flashlight as they came down. Schmidt knew he had picked a bad night to head into the woods. His light found the wide trunk of a large Hemlock in front of him. Following the trunk downward, his light passed the expected dead branches of a tree that had never experienced the kind hand or human stewardship. All of the large softwoods in Jessie’s Woods had dead stubs sticking out of them. About six feet from the ground, Schmidt’s flashlight brushed by something that did not fit. He retraced the trunk up with the light, and there it was. A patch of white.

Pater Schmidt immediately felt sick. At eye level not 7 feet away, his flashlight had found the headless corpse of Dilfer their white tom cat impaled on a Hemlock branch. In the distance he could hear another big branch crashing to the ground. Schmidt stepped closer. Dilfer’s head was indeed missing. Not brutally torn off like some forest predator might do, but cleanly sliced off.

Uncontrollable spasms gripped Pater Schmidt. He turned and took some steps away from the tree. Doubling over he fell to his knees and vomited. Up came his undigested supper of sauerkraut, potatoes and bratwurst. The stench made him go into the dry heaves. Finally, his body back under control, he wiped his mouth on his sleeve. He thought it odd that no concern for Dilfer was in his mind, just the memory of holding Jessie down while he beat her head in. Again and again he had pummeled her until her head broke like a melon dropped on the ground. Schmidt staggered to his feet and stumbled backwards. A fallen log caught his heel. Lurching backwards out of control, he lost his flashlight as he flailed for some footing.

When her husband did not come home that night, Gerda went into panic mode. She called 9-1-1. The county police told her in a bored tone a cruiser would be by in 45 minutes or so. Gerda ran to a neighbor’s house ¼ mile down Sam Page Road. They collected some locals and they searched until dawn for Pater Schmidt. At 6:45 AM, Willis Cobb discovered Schmidt only 100 yards into Jessie’s Woods. He was on his way out from several hours of stomping around in the woods when he spotted a light in the shadows of a tangled mess of downed trees. It was Pater Schmidt’s flashlight still on and struggling on its last remnants of power. Fifteen feet away Willis located Pater Schmidt impaled on the dead branch of a huge Hemlock. His hat was missing and in his hand was gripped the handle of a beautifully hand carved hiking stick.

One can only imagine what made up the conversation down to the Tradin Post that next Sunday.



Later.....................

(1920 / 15,573)

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Head Thumpin Monks & Other Fools

I began a serious rant aimed squarely at the recent Right Wing hijinks and foolishness. Yes it was a scathing attack. No holds barred. Take no prisoners. No quarter given. Worked myself into a frenzy, almost becoming that which I was raging against.

I was hitting all the convenient targets of opportunity - Sarah, Glenn, the holier than thou but hopelessly brain dead Michele Bachmann, Fox Spews, and just to make sure or round out my efforts, a few below the belt shots at Hannity and O'Reilly just for the Hell of it.

Teabaggers were up front taking pies in the face. Bible thumping homophobes were getting drippy chins as I squatted and scathingly dipped my sack of condemnation and insults on their ever eager blank angry faces.

I could only hold back so long when faced with this non stop parade of hateful fools leading with their chins. And I felt no shame at hurling insults and epithets and other scurrilous mutterings in their general direction. They deserved my derision, my disrespect. It was time I gave back what I have been taking for 29 years. They want to hate me. Fine. It was time I hated back.

Because I had had it. I could only be even tempered for so long and shine on the hate and disrespect all of them seem to have for my personal ideals while I tried to respect theirs. I was tired of being accused of being a traitorous loser who hates America and wants Islamic assholes and Commies to take over because I happen to like the man who occupies the Oval Office. I was tired of the hateful mean shit these jerks have been spewing from mouths filled with tobacco juice and holy water. I was tired of hearing how important guns are to my freedom. Get a damn clue you idiots. I do not need a gun to be free. Freedom is not had at the end of a gun. Freedom is not taken away at the end of a gun. The only way you can lose your freedom is when you give it away. Freedom is a frame of mind and you boneheads have no clue what that means.

But you know what? After furiously pounding out my anger and dripping gallons of mean sweat on the keys of this keyboard, I felt better. So I decided I wouldn't say those things. I had purged my hate and was now once again going with the flow. Just chillin while a contented smile came over my face. Instead of laying into the dim wits of the Right, I offer instead, this short but to the point Monty Python clip. In 30 seconds or so you will know how I view the fools who wrap themselves in scripture, conspiracy theories and would turn us into a repressive theocracy and think they are doing us a favor.

Enjoy.



I don't know about you, but I feel much better now........................

(486 / 13,653)

Friday, November 20, 2009

Pishtacos

I was perusing the below the fold articles and stories relegated to the Internet equivalent of the second page on the MSNBC site this morning. I was hoping to find a story that might lift my dampened spirits and provide me with just the right spark to write a post that was not full of hate and discontent. It could have been some humorous story say of a man getting his head stuck up the ass of an elephant. Alas there were no releases about Rush and Michael Steele.

Maybe a heart wrenching piece of overcoming insurmountable odds would work. But again I came away with nothing. No Republican had managed to elevate themselves past their single digit IQs this day. They were still too busy trying to beat back those bullies from the left side of playground. It's not being paranoid if they hit you back.

So I searched for some heartwarming cute animal story. The perfect pet hero piece where Fido saves a group of Nuns from certain death as he grabs the wheel of the nun bus and steering it with his teeth saves them after Sister Mary Agnes fainted immediately following a multi mooning by a bus full of high school football players on their way back from the State Championship.

But no. No luck. Just the usual corruption, suicide bombing, starving children, mud sliding, mudslinging, moose loose on Main Street type boring stuff I read about everyday.

I was about to give up and head to the always something hilarious to write about Free Republic site when I spotted this headline -

Peruvian police: Gang killed people for their fat

Alright! Now we're cooking with gas. Something I could get my teeth into. Quirky reality that I do not think even Hollywood could have made up. So I opened the link and the facts of this bizarre crime story were even stranger than I could imagine. And it was odd that this story came on the heels of my recent viewing of "Turistas" on the IFC channel. Once again reminding me there are no coincidences.

I won't spoil it for you, but just let me say this real horror drama involving Peruvian cops, depraved criminals seeking to profit from the drippings of human fat combined with a generous dose of headless torsos hanging over candles will creep you out if for no other reason than knowing this really happened.

Boy, do those South Americans know how to party.

Keep a light on....................

(412 / 13,167)

Thursday, November 19, 2009

A Match Made in Heaven


I watched a blurb on the tube last night about "The Oath Keepers". Supposedly this "non-partisan" group comprised of active duty personnel, vets, cops and other peacekeepers who have made a pledge to the Country in one form or another have banded together as a new barrier between government and what the Constitution really means. They have more or less pledged their loyalty to the Constitution and their view of it, not to the country or the government that runs it. I chuckle at their non-partisan claim in that they have yet to affiliate themselves with any group left of Sarah Palin.

Speaking of Sarah, the babe from the woods of the 49th state who eats moose on the hoof and catches salmon with her bare teeth - an interesting factoid about her ghost writer, Lynn Vincent, caught my attention. Seems Vincent also co-wrote "Donkey Cons: Sex, Crime, and Corruption in the Democratic Party" with Robert Stacy McCain, a man who claims he is not a racist. His mouth and his affiliations might lead one to a different conclusion.

While I may often discount Sarah as a brain dead twit, she is most definitely not dead. What she is and what will most likely be her downfall if we are lucky is she likes the limelight too much. What bothers me are the flies attracted to her peculiar and unique twisted view of what America should be. When people are desperate they will believe anything. Like Joan of Arc, she gallops through the malls of the heartland building a blind army of slack jawed recruits. And it is growing.

Now I hear Sarah told Glenn Beck she would be proud to share the presidential ticket with him for 2012. Wow! A ticket made in heaven. The aged superficial Beauty Queen and the Cherub Cheeked Chalk Board Conspiracy Locater. The clueless and the whacked all on one ticket. We should be so lucky. But if we work hard at being as stupid as some of us already are, we could have this dream team guiding us through the next decade.

Just think. All of the bases will be covered. One will pray for guidance and will hold daily press releases that tell us yes, she can see Virginia from the Front Portico. Standing, or rather hunched over and drooling at her back, her one brick shy of a full load Vice President will be busy ferreting out all those secret commie conspiracies left us by Obamaman.

If this is what the Conservatism of my youth has turned into, I have to say I am so glad I bailed in 1980 when Ronald Reagan and his traitorous band of clowns sleazed their way into power.

It seems we will never be able to save us from ourselves.................

(452 / 12,755)