Monday, January 12, 2009

I Am Onto You

Okay, someone or something has fooled around with my karma, my bio rhythms, my position in the overall cosmos. I have entered either a Twilight Zone episode, a Stephen King story or my soul has been kidnapped by the ghost of HP Lovecraft. I am fully expecting to fall asleep tonight and wake up tomorrow sure I have been eating meat pies consisting of neighbors and friends.

Or should I be wondering if there is not some evil at work through the Internets to facilitate this horror and turn me into the next Chainsaw Massacre story line. The next victim to be gutted and hung by my shoelaces from the tire swing in front of some ancient decaying farmhouse in the woods nearby. Hanging there with ripped throat bleeding out like a butchered hog while slope headed inbreds salivate waiting for me to drain dry. Each one taking a turn with a stick poking me to see if there is any spark left. Meanwhile Mom hangs out the window and between cracked yellow teeth hollers, "Stay away from his eyes, I gits his eyes you little fuckers. Damn kids".

Or even worse, am I being conditioned to become the villain of the upcoming horror movie. I remember promising the stout pie guy that I would cook this fine meal for my wife of 29 years. I haven't cooked in 25 years. And what happened last night makes this of particular interest. But I am getting ahead of myself.

It all started with a recipe for steak and stout pie at what would appear an innocent blog with the word Restaurant in it's title. I should have known nothing is as it seems especially from a blog whose owner admits to being a hardcore fan of HP Lovecraft and also uses some phantasmic name from HP's writng as a prefix to "Restaurant" in his title. Using the word "family" in the title was an excellent subterfuge. Well it fooled me.

A few days later I suddenly decided I wanted to begin shaving again. 28 years of bearded bliss and all of a sudden I want to cut it off? And with a straight razor no less. The warning bells were clanging I am sure. I just could not hear them. A spell had been cast my way and I was helpless and under it's control. With no self will of my own, I have been forced to cruise the Internets for days now looking for the perfect razor to supposedly learn how to shave with it. Dutifully, I lurk in the forums of shaving masters. I wind my way through hundreds of razors for sale on Ebay. I buy razors and make plans to learn how to keep them razor sharp. All this out of the blue? I do not think so. Some kind of Sleepy Hollow madness is afoot. Some evil entity has me by the short hairs of my soul.

Bringing it all around in that full circle of unlikely coincidences, tonight I decide to see what the IFC channel is offering. The BBC drama, "Sweeney Todd" was on at eight o'clock. "Sweeney Todd", the story of a mad barber and his pissed off lady friend. Sweeney cuts their throats in the barber chair with....wait for it......yeah that's right, a fricking straight razor. He butchers them and then gives the choicest cuts,...... again wait for his meat pie making lady friend to cook up and sell to the public. When asked after being caught why he had done it, his reply, "Because I could".

Immediately I thought of that movie something something ripe green tomatoes and the barbecued wife beating husband. I am sure that was a subtle misdirect though. The evil whatever it is is only trying to keep me from waking up from this dream and realizing the path I am being led down.

Taken individually, these incidents would appear to be but random occurrences that somehow tie in with each other because of my over active imagination. Yeah right. I certainly did not conciously follow this progression to get to this point. I was sure up until tonight that every event in my Life pretty much plays itself out without a plan or devious thinking. But now I am not so sure.

Is there an evil twin lost at birth or one hanging around half formed inside me who goes by the name George Stark? Am I about to become the protaganist in a novel entitled "The Dark Half"? Probably not. It is a good thing I caught wind of the scheming evil bastards who have been trying to set me up. The wormhole into my inner self is closed boys. Find some other flounder to bother with your malevolent plans. For I am once again among the righteous and good. I have re-entered the good guy zone. Small children and ole ladies no longer need to break into a sweat when I come near. I have cast your malicious intent off of my shoulders. Begone you loser black caped, no faced bastards.

Of course if the plans made for me move in the other direction and I am soon to be part of someone else's meat pie, well, I guess being righteous won't help. But it might make me taste better.

Believe it or not but this post also started out with the best of intentions to continue my march to find the better me. The years and the self induced abuses have put a serious damper on my short term memory. I had heard that it could be improved through liberal mental exercise like actually trying to remember what I did yesterday, last week, or two months ago. I tried it and discovered this evil plot. I am sure they thought an old stoner like me would never connect the dots. Well see. Trying to improve yourself can save your life. I plan on being no one's meat pie. Now if I can only remember where I left that axe.


Utah Savage said...

Well! Hang in there. Your inner life seems rich and interesting.

Anonymous said...

Hey Crummy .... here, have some soylent green wafers. Good for what ever ails ya.

Go ahead have some more. Yummie!

Middle Ditch said...

It's a bit like ... hmmmmmmmmm Middle Ditch? where the poor councillor accidentally gets eaten by Drake's pigs. And the ham consequently is just absolutely gorgeous?


El Cerdo Ignatius said...

Heh heh! Brilliant post, Crum. May I recommend some fava beans and a nice chianti with your next, uh, meal.

"Could I interest you in some pie?"

"No, ma'am. But that barbeque sure smells good."

Dawn on MDI said...

The secret's in the sauce, mister. The secret's in the sauce.

Nice piece of writing. But does this mean you won't be shaving off your beard?

Dawn on MDI said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
MRMacrum said...

Utah - Hanging in there is about all there is to do isn't it? Anything else that happens after that is a bonus.

Prester John - What kind of wine should I serve with green wafers. Seems this dish would be one that it would be acceptable to serve either unless of course everyone knew the source of the base ingrdient. In that case, only red wine should be considered.

Middle Ditch - Yes Drake's Pigs came up in the scheme against me. But I figured you could not be a part of it.

El Cerdo Ignatius - I did not mention this but I also seem to have an odd urge to visit the Donner State Park in the Sierra Nevada Mountains of California.

Dawn of MDI - No, I will establish my dominance over my own fate and still shave it off. I have spent too much time and too much money to not at least take a peek.

Bull said...

Ahhh, Mr. Macrum...

Cthulhu does not release his grip so easily.

If you plan to go the Sweeney Todd route with the pie, I would suggest using a little more stout and cut back a tad on the carrots. The alternative meat is rumored to be tough and stringy, but with a natural sweetness not found in other meats.

Anonymous said...

Personally, I don't care how many human round steaks I eat, I still prefer pork. Fried Green Tomatoes is only the tip of the iceberg if you ask me. It is too easy to cook up some barbecue and invite the neighborhood to worry about where the ol' man next door is.

You have certainly been going through some weird shit lately and I say "don't fight it". Shaving your beard is cheaper than getting a divorce, and with all the babes that will be following you around. . . Well, maybe you should KEEP it and buy a new truck. I'm just sayin'.

BBC said...

Okay, someone or something has fooled around with my karma, my bio rhythms, my position in the overall cosmos.

The cosmos isn't picking on you anymore than it is picking on anyone else. It simply doesn't give a fuck about you.

Want to find yourself? That's easy enough, go back to what you liked best about your youth when times were much simpler.

Maybe you were poor, but did that really matter?

BBC said...

Shaving your beard is cheaper than getting a divorce,

I'm not clear on if she wants you to shave. But if she does I'm not sure she will like what she sees. Who is pushing for your self improvement here?

Divorce? It's not so expensive if you do it right, been there, done that. Women are greedy, generally speaking.

But they generally are not interested in your tools and equipment and personal items and that is all a man needs to start over again with.

We can get along on so much less than they need. At least that's been my experience.

Randal Graves said...

I'm impressed with your self-control. I haven't noticed in the news any mentions of axe-wielding maniacs from Maine.

I think that's where the whole shaving thing comes in; disguise, post-slicing and dicing.