Friday, January 16, 2009

Frame of Mind

I am what, 16 days into the new year. At the end of last year I stepped outside of my end of the year box and boasted I would be making changes this year. To that end, for 16 days I have been moderately successful. I promised to blog everyday for a month and so far I have not dropped that ball. I promised to focus on self improvement this year through a variety of actions on my part. And then I promised to make every post for this month have something to do with this push to self improve. So far so good. Everything is running according to plan.

I have read or heard that it takes 21 days to pick up or break a habit. Some take longer, but I guess a smart guy somewhere spent thousands of hours and wrote thousands of pages on this and has concluded the average time to break a habit is 21 days. Fine. I am almost there. On that twenty second day, I can stop thinking about whatever it is I am doing and it will just happen like it was part of me forever. Right? Riiiight.

In that I have never really thought about an over all personality and character makeover, I am surprised at how much effort one needs to put into breaking a habit or picking up a new one. And in the scheme of real internal change, does it really matter if I follow through with the physical changes if my mind does not follow. The real change I need is inside. A fundamental change in my frame of mind. Whatever else I do or not do, this is the one thing that truly matters. Outlook is key. If I continue my the glass is half empty mentality, the glass will always be half empty. The positives of Life will be that much harder to recognize when they do pass by.

I understand the physical part of living. The nuts and bolts of what it takes to make it in the physical world. That I choose to ignore some of the basics does not mean I don't understand their importance. I think this willful disobedience to common sense in some things is that I do not completely understand how to live in the Emotional World. Those in-house group of feelings and attitudes that indicate one is balanced and on track seem to be hit or miss in me.

The big one I have problems with is caring. Oh, I care about others most of the time. But I have a problem caring about myself. Feeling sorry for myself is different. I do that also. But I think the fundamental interior design snafu is my inability to give a shit about what happens to me. If I can't care about me, how can I possibly expect to properly care about others?

This one big issue should be resolved. I have addressed it on numerous occasions, but have always fallen back into old ways. Now would be a good time to work on it. The deck of Life is stacked more against me than it has been in many years. And this time, I am the only one who can make it better. There is no one person I can turn to to solve this problem for me. Last time it was a lawyer. And it was an easy fix compared to this.


BBC said...

I promised to blog everyday for a month and so far I have not dropped that ball.

Shoot, I've blogged everyday for three years except when camping. Sometimes two or three posts a day.

In that I have never really thought about an over all personality and character makeover,

You have a problem with just being you? Fuck that, I've always just been me and anytime I've tried to change to please someone else it was just bullshit.

I have plenty of friends while just being myself so why should I try to change for others?

Dawn on MDI said...

learning and unlearning can be difficult tasks. Good luck. So far you seem to be doing very well. Little bites. No need to conquer the whole thing in one day. just do a little bit each day and it will add up.

BBC said...

I think that maybe someone else has a problem with you just being you.

MRMacrum said...

BBC - You have no clue what I have a problem with other than what I care to share. From what I can tell, you have a problem with anyone who is not like you. We all have our pluses and minuses. We all have what we consider them anyway. I choose to try new things now because well, why the fuck not? I don't go through thsi every year. Matter of fact, this is the first time I have even attempted to scrutinize myself beyond just looking in the mirror. I am not attempting any change to please anyone but myself. I know better.

Dawn - Yeah, that's what I figure. I also have built some backsliding in. The goals are not really as important as the struggle to change. Stagnation sucks.

BBC said...

Well, I may have more of a clue than you know. But in any event, carry on.

Randal Graves said...

Stagnation is okay if you're Dick Cheney's banker.

Resolution for change vs. self-pity is the apocalyptic battle. If you win that, then it'll be easier. You know, save for the backsliding fearlessly.

Gary ("Old Dude") said...

I think your doing very well, and I sense perhaps (hopefully an intelligent guess on my part), that your are struggling with the concepts of perceptions internal,versus external. That is to say how you see yourself versus how you THINK the world sees you, and endeavoring to bring things into balance----so far I find your analytical analysis quite good. keep it up big guy.

A Midnight Rider said...

Some call us uncaring and other say, things just roll of of us. We are living batteries with positive and negative sides. Without both, we wouldn't exist.

Demeur said...

I did a study of this in college i.e. what makes up a person's character and personallity. It was my contention at the time that it was a mix of genetics and environment. Some years later it was discovered during a study of twins that genetics is the major factor. We are who we are. We can tweek things a bit but our basic make up has been predetermined. As they say where ever you go there you are. Do your best on this quest but don't expect any radical changes.

El Cerdo Ignatius said...

I don't wish to pour cold water on your efforts, but I believe Demeur is likely correct. The degree to which we can change ourselves is limited. I think you're on the right track if you take the approach that you are making incremental changes in personal habits. Reworking the entire Crum would be an impossible task.

MRMacrum said...

To all - I have no illusions that I will be anything but what I am once I have run through all the possible upgrades and listed them. Since I have never really took the time to really identify quirks and small negativities, I figured this month would be the inventory month. Not much else going on, I might as well beat myself up, but keep track this time.

But I still say that if we don't continue to look for change, it will not happen. As Demeur & El Cerdo Ignatius point up, by this time my mold has been cast. But I can see if I can nibble some of the casting waste off.

As Popeye said long, long ago, "I yam what I yam, that's all that I yam."