It's early evening on Christmas Eve. I should be chock full of the Christmas Spirit. And I am not. My feelings have always been a mixed bag about Christmas time. Growing up, I had to witness and then endure the depressive tirades of my alcoholic father who reached his peak at this time of the year. So I guess I grew up both dreading and looking forward to Christmas.
I sit here somewhat ambivalent. That elusive high of this season is MIA. Not ecstatic, just pleasantly content. I am perplexed. Why not either extremely happy and full of that Christmas cheer. Or low man. Down in the dumper of depression. I am stuck somewhere in between. A kind of Christmas limbo.
Just another evening at home with the family and the pets. Bobbi is in the kitchen whipping up cookie dough for the Christmas cookies. Lis is putting together the fake tree. And I sit here in the office pondering my situation. There's snow outside. The radio is playing carols. And still I feel the same as yesterday, just a day older.
Maybe this is what Christmas is for me now. Contentment in having those I love close. Enjoying having time to reflect on the small circumstances that circulate on a normal day. I will not have many more of these. Lis is in her last year of college. She will be moving on. And that's great. But tonight and for the next couple of weeks, I get to experience and appreciate what I will soon miss. Merry Christmas!