Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.
“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”
Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.
“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”
Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”
But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;
“I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”
Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers. “ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
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Reminds me of when I was a young teen; Snake and I used to have a little performance we called the Japanese Fire Drill. When one of our crew felt a fart coming on, they would shout, "Japanese Fire Drill". They assume the position while another crew member lit up the Fart.
We would then grade said fart on strength of flame, length of time in the air, and for the trifecta, a sound grade. One of our more clueless friends once asked if he could get a better grade if he dropped his pants and performed the procedure Au Naturel. No one volunteered to light it, so he had to do it himself.
Who knew that a flame follows the gas to the source? I never saw someone jump so high and shout so loud. He wondered if he should go to the ER, but decided he had been humilated enough in front of his buds and blew it off. I cannot remember his real name, but we called him "Dum Ass" from then on.
And yes, lighting up a fart does lessen the stink, but never entirely.
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Musical choice today is a random song if I can't fund a fart song. ...... Uh, well I guess fart songs are a staple in the audiophile of Humanity. Because I am in a hurry this morning and farts are not so funny I feel up to checking hundreds of songs about farts, here is a short from "Family Guy".
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