The story below has to be the funniest story I have read in ages. Tears flowed as the story unfolded. I laughed so hard, my dog looked at me with her head tilted. I am saving it in a blog post. The tale is just too excellent to not have it to read again and again and again. It is that special of a story .....................Enjoy
A furious row has broken out between a local tattoo artist and his client after what started out as a routine inking session, left both of them requiring emergency hospital treatment.
Vintage film fan and part time plus size model Tracey Munter (23), had visited the Ink It Good Tattoo Emporium on Wellgate last week to have the finishing touches applied to a double buttock representation of the chariot race scene from the iconic 1959 film, Ben Hur. Tattooist Jason Burns takes up the story.
“It was a big job in more ways than one.” he told us “I’d just lit a roll up and was finishing off a centurions helmet. It’s delicate, close up work. Next thing is, I sense a slight ripple in the buttock cleavage area just around Charlton Heston’s whip, and a hissing sound – more of a whoosh than a rasp – and before I know what’s happening, there’s a flame shooting from her arse to my fag and my beards gone up like an Aussie bush fire.”
Jason says he rushed to the studio sink to quell the flames, only to turn round and see Tracey frantically fanning her buttock area with a damp towel. The flames had travelled down the gas cloud and set fire to her thong which was smoking like a cheap firework.
“To be honest”, said Jason, “I didn’t even realise she was wearing one. You’d need a sodding mining licence and a torch to find out for sure. She could have had a complete wardrobe in there and I’d have been none the wiser.”
Jason and Tracey were taken to Rotherham District Hospital accident and emergency department where they were treated for minor burns and shock. Both are adamant that the other is to blame.
“I’m furious” said Jason, “I’ve got a face like a mange-ridden dog and my left eyebrows not there any more. I don’t know about Ben Hur – Gone With The Wind’s more like it. You don’t just let rip in someone’s face like that. It’s dangerous.”
But Tracey remains both angry and unrepentant;
“I’m still in agony,” she said, “and Charlton Heston looks more like Sidney bloody Poitier now. Jason shouldn’t have had a fag on the go and there’s no way I’d guff on purpose. He’d had me on all fours for nearly an hour. I can only put up with that for so long before nature takes its course. My Kev knows that. I give him my five second warning and I’d have done the same for Jason, but I didn’t get chance – it just crept out.”
Ted Walters from the South Yorkshire Fire and Rescue service wasn’t surprised when we told him what had happened “People just don’t appreciate the dangers. “ he told us, “We get called out to more flatulence ignition incidents than kitchen fires these days, now people have moved over to oven chips. We have a slogan ‘Flame ‘n fart – keep ’em apart’. Anyone engaging in an arse inking scenario would do well to bear that in mind in future.”
<<~~>>
Reminds me of when I was a young teen. Snake and I used to have a little performance we called the Japanese Fire Drill. When one of our crew felt a fart coming on, they would shout, "Japanese Fire Drill". They would assume the position and another crew member lit up the Fart.
We would then grade said fart on strength of flame, length of time in the air, and for the trifecta, a sound grade. One of our more clueless friends once asked if he could get a better grade if he dropped his pants and performed the procedure Au Naturel. No one volunteered to light it, so he had to do it himself.
Who knew that a flame follows the gas to the source? I never saw someone jump so high and shout so loud. He wondered if he should go to the ER, but decided he had been humilated enough in front of his buds and blew it off. I cannot remember his real name, but we called him "Dum Ass" from then on.
And yes, lighting up a fart does lessen the stink, but never entirely.
_______________________
Musical choice today is a random song if I can't fund a fart song. ...... Uh, well I guess fart songs are a staple in the audiophile community of Humanity. Because I am in a hurry this morning and farts are not so funny I feel up to checking hundreds of songs about farts, here is a short from "Family Guy".
I learned early in life the story of the boy who cried wolf. The story reinforced what I already knew to be true. I am still a tad fuzzy which came first, the story or the realization. Does not matter.
Little kids pick their noses. There might be one or two who didn't, but I would not believe anyone who claimed they never have. Picking one's nose is an early rite of passage.
I picked my nose as a child. Because I had a small schnoz, it became apparent the chubby fingers I wore on my hands were not going to support my nose mining career for long. My physical limitations eventually stopped the practice. Until that time though, my mom was my "boy who cried wolf".
Don't Pick Your Nose ...... You'll Pull Your Eye Out
I remember heeding her warnings at first. I freaked out; probably had a bad dream or two. Because I was a kid, I could not or would not stop stuffing fingers up my nose. My mom would never yell, she would just repeat her patented response. Eventually, I figured out she was bullshitting me.I held my preferred nosepicking finger against my nose at the point I figured would be as far in as I might be able to insert it. No way Mom, the end of my finger was inches from my eye. so, the next time she caught me and warned me:
"Not-Ahh, my fingers are too short."
She laughed. Apparently nose picking was not one of Mom's seven deadly sins. These early interactions with Mom are what helped to prepare me for the cynical lifestyle I would fall into as an adult; especially the world of Politics I would get into.
The Left has their Twisted Patty Pants, but nobody gets their knickers in a knot faster and more often than the Right does. The Wingers tend to believe anything their leadership tells them. False claims of Doom and Gloom over molehill issues are their stock in trade. Crying Wolf is second nature to the sleazy leadership of the GOP and every other other Right Wing group I can think of; especially now that the Orange Buffoon has the whole bunch of them by their short hairs.
Hmm ...........................
Somewhere in my mind, tucked in a corner where the dust bunnys live, is the reason and connection to the short Internet article I read this morning regarding another possible way to keep Alzheimer's disease at arm's length. At the moment, I am still hoping to locate the original connection.....hang on.
The short internet article regarded one of the "simple" measures a person can take to help avoid the onset of Alzheimer's or other signs of Demetia; Listen to music more. Apparently it doesn't matter what music, but tthe article did indicate that the music of our youth was a great place to start.
Okay, so now I have all the excuse I need to continue my time Rockin Out to Oldies, Newies, and music I never heard of before.I have become an ancient mariner of sorts, who cruises the Planet's tunes on a daily basis. I have discovered so much unheard music, I am positive that like the Internet, Music is found everywhere and to deny myself the pleasure of hearing it, well, that is just stupid.
As to connecting the dots that lead back to nose picking? .... Damn, it just ain't happening today. I would be smart to disconnect now ..............
That is all I have for today ...... Keep it 'tween the Ditches ......................
_____________________
It's Tune Time and once again the vapid empty space between my ears fails to inspire. ... Hmm, might try turning some music on bud............
Today - "Crazy Mary", by Pearl Jam. Just might be my favorite Jam song.
Apparently, many American Farmers and Ranchers are not as upset with Trump, so much as they are upset at the Woke Folk of the Left who have decided to back their Woke opinions with their wallets.
These Right Wing farmers and ranchers were warned time and time again, starting in Trump's first term, that he was a liar, a cheat, a con man and he'd throw anyone under the bus if it served him and his selfish interests. He has always been a sleaze bag and since 2016, he has only gotten worse.
And now, many MAGA Farmers and Ranchers are mad at the customer base they need to survive. I would go into this deeper, but why would I? I have a few great Woke responses in the video below.
Warning: Watch out for uncensored, angry from the gut, Woke Folks. Each voice make great cases for why we should not feel sorry for the MAGA Farmers and Ranchers. They helped create the shit storm of America's new reality under Trump.
My comment at the time:
"Awesome compilation. MAGA ranchers are looking for sympathy huh? I'm gonna fall back on something my mom used on me as a little punk; after Life had handed me some harmless indignities. If a dictionary was nearby, she would point or hand it to me and say something like, "If you're looking for sympathy, you'll find it between 'Shit" and "Syphilis". Eventually, all she had to say was, "Where's a dictionary", and I would walk away with drooping shouders and possibly muttering something nasty. She could be brutal, but I survived and I thank her for not caving to my whining little kid BS. Of course she had already raised two other boys before my unplanned entrance into her and Dad's world."
The cracks in Trump's great experiment are growing. It didn't have to happen this way. If Donald had been a smart man and an honest broker of even half of the lies he told, he might just be in MAGA Pig Heaven right now. Instead he has begun his lame duck status almost a year sooner than it should have. All by himself, he has gleefully spread hate, fear, and uncertainty throughout America. I think he has lost interest in actually governing, and is now hard into the raping and pilliaging of our nation. What a nasty and useless piece of shit he is.
I should stop here.........
Keep it 'tween the ditches until November 3rd, then be sure toVOTE BLUE !
______________________
It's a rare occasion for me to quickly find a tune that will dovetail decently with the post. Today, I had the tune before the bytes were dry in my post. This tune was the theme to a early 1960's TV series that championed the cowboy culture; men in dusty hats, gun at their hips, and a pack of tobaccy in their hands as they spin up a butt in one hand and gaze upon the herd of steers they have to drive up to Abilene.
I was eight when RAWHIDE became a hit. That show taught me all I needed to know about being a Cowboy.
I just returned after a brief break from Facebooking every day. While I was away, my favorite FB Winger Group, "Opposing Sides", decided to pause their existence. Not exactly sure what a pause in Facebook is, but the page does not function and hasn't since September 7th, a week ago. Is it kaput, done, reached its limit, or has trying to support an undeserving hero finally proven too much for the people who administer the page?
When I first noticed the page was not working, I was momentarily disappointed. Where was I going to vent all my pent up anger at the Idiot Right and their selfish brain dead approach to ruining the country?
Now, 15 minutes or so later, I'm over it. All the page ever did was get me worked up, often leaving me taching hard over redline. It had been fun for a time....... until it wasn't anymore. Maybe now, I'll back off to hopefully reduce the anxiety level I was often left with in the Past.after all, a rousing hour or so of , "I'm not the idiot, you're the idiot" was usually all there was. Nobody won. Nobody convinced anyone they were wrong or right; just clueless flounders insulting each other in a troll fest where no conversations of any worth resulted.
Good Riddance!
Even if it does come back online, I think it will be without my participation anymore. I am so fed up and tired of the Trump Clown Show, I am no longer willing to treat any Winger with anything bordering on civility. Pwning a Winger no longer gives me the pleaasure when I was full of piss and vinegar over 10 years ago asTrump first squatted in the White House.
<~~~>
I wrote the piece below on August 30, 15 days ago. It was written as I stood ready to plunge again into the socio/political battles playing out on the Internet. Instead of finishing and posting it, I shut down everything and took the break I just came back from.
Are my batteries re-charged? Is my piss and vinegar quiver filling back up? I hope not. I want to coast the next 50 days until the mid-term elections.
____________________________
Other Realities
origin - 8/30/2026
Okay. So I am contemplating heading down another rabbit hole. All my other trips to the Other Realities were unforseen and unplanned. This time I know I am standing on the edge of this hole and seriously considering giving in to its evil allure; volunteering to climb into the abyss to do battle with the red capped lunatics who reside there.
Once I accepted the fact that America is being raped and pillaged by a political ideology that has sunk into a morass of ineptitude and chaos, I feel ready. How can they continue to surprise me with new forms of stupidity and corruption? I feel this new world I exist in will be a cakewalk...... as long as I manage to avoid the many new pitfalls the current landscape has developed..........
I know what is down this particular rabbit hole, having been caught in it many times over the past 20 years. This time though, I won't be caught off guard. The are no longer any surprises to knock me off my game. I am finally in a state of awareness now that nothing will ever catch me flat footed. I know what to expect and I am ready...............
Who am I kidding? Over confidence when entering a new rabbit hole is insane, given the possible negativity that might follow me out once I have figured out I am in too deep.. My uncharacteristic show of bravado should probably be a warning, not a sign I might have everything in control. I stopped myself at the edge of this plunge into the newest lunacy landscape to pop up. I have second thoughts now. They are quickly morphing into .......
"Take a break Crum. Calm yourself. Stop worrying about that which you have no chance of changing in the short term. It's the long game we are faced with, not the petty nuisance stupidity the Right puts out to distract us."
I'm out for awhile..... See Ya soon.
8/30/26
____________________
There is only one song to play here. It was written and first recorded by Jefferson Airplane with vocals by Grace Slick in the mid 1960's. I was really into its message, that is for sure. Those were the early days of my experimentation with whatever drug or alcohol derivative that happened to be around. Yeah, I was into rabbit holes even back then. I eagerly jumped into those mind altering moments. It would be about 10 years before I stabilized and found my center again.
I have again run into the wall where my Internet savvy ends and my all too normal cluelessness begins. If I was 4 years old, I would have figured it out already.
The problem today is I wanted to save the video below to a playlist in my Youtube video collection. I tried to find it in Youtube, but no luck. All I have is the Facebook rendition. I don't know the name of this tune yet, never mind who wrote it. I did notice a reference on the video about "A I", but I think refers to the dude at the top who is sampling the video.
To temporarily solve the problem in my typical Rube Goldberg way, is to post it on my blog. Hopefully that will work and I won't lose it. Later, I can dig deeper into the song as time allows. I am at the moment, supposed to be readying our house for window replacements...... 24 windows of replacement. But that's another story...... Or maybe this is the beginning of that story. We'll see.
If anyone out there knows the name of this song, let me know in the comments. Or not. I can usually figure it out for myself.But when I grow tired of that effort, I will begrudgingly ask my wife. And yeah, she'll make fun of me. So what else is new?
Later ................................
>>> Regarding the image of Trump and his swimming buddy, Jeff from July, 1984; well it has nothing to do with the post, well ...... I am looking for a reason that makes sense and having trouble coming up with one. Hey, sharing is enough of a good reason. Right?
I was scrolling through my "Saved Art" file for a new Wallpaper image. The current one was at least a few months old. It was time for a new image.
I did not pick the image to the right. I passed right by it, choosing instead, a different one to look at each time I woke up the 'puter. After I had set the new wallpaper, I went back to this image.
Of all the visual arts, I think I like sculptures the best. Paintings, mosaics, and other two dimensional art forms are nice and all, but I like the additon of that 3rd dimension. ............ Hmm. yeah right. Maybe I just like sculptures better than flatscreen art today. Tomorrow, who the Hell knows?
This sculpture is attributed to Hugo (Wolfgang) Rheigold and is located on Monkey Island, somewhere in China. It is a rendition of an Orangutan ( I think) sitting on a stack of books written by Charles Darwin while he comtemplates a human skull.
If I was a deeper thinker than the skin deep one I represent on a daily basis, I could imagine there is an infinite number of tangents, thoughts, and imaginations I could unpack from this one sculpture. What the sculptor had in mind matters little. What matters is what I pull from it.
My knee jerk first consideration was this is a moment from the Future. How far in the future doesn't matter. But it is from the Future. Mankind has attained our species' unwritten goal and finally destroyed ourselves. .... Kaput, Toast, Ancient History.
Among the ruins, this statue remains and is now cared for by the Apes. The apes though, are just smart enough to follow in Man's footsteps, but sadly, they too will fail by eventually outsmarting themselves also...... And so it goes.
I used this quick evaluation to conclude that the top of the food chain critters do not stay there forever. They will always fall by the wayside through either outsiders forcing their extinction, or more likely, they will destroy themselves because of mass stupidity just like we did.
I stopped trying to see something else in this sculpture. I was bumming myself out ........ I blame Trump.
Keep it 'tween the ditches ...................................
___________________
Music. The End of things....End of the Line.... Future's last breath.
No band in my experience performed songs about death and End Times better than the Doors. A friend of mine called the music of the Doors as "Buzz Kill Music". Music for the Depressed.
We had a few heated fuck off moments before we stopped mentioning the Doors. I have always liked the Doors. I bought their first album as a 15 year old in the 1960s. No band in my mind created better songs to listen to while high on hallucinogens than the Doors. Soft or loud, their music always worked. The Doors rock.... and still do; thanks to the digital age.
Without any more nonsense, please enjoy, "When the Music is Over", by the Doors. Play it low, play it loud. Works either way.
