Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Crum Answers The Question

Somewhere deep in the bowels of the Answer Bag data base and archives I stumbled upon the burning question of the day. A question that has needed an answer for a long time. Until now, a question that has stymied all who have puzzled over the why of it. For your benefit and to boost my ego and standing among the icons of intellectuality, I offer up for your praise and admiration this:

Why do old men wear their pants higher than young men do?

The final answer ~> I have pondered this before. I figure it must have something to do with the chemical changes in the brain as they age. Specific chemicals fail to mix as they used to or are mixing in different amounts. Anyway the result is that the old geezers have an uncontrollable urge to buy pants with longer legs than the last pair they bought. And thus have to hitch them up ever higher to avoid tripping on the cuffs.

I have, through exhaustive study, come up with a formula that by measuring the distance from the nipples to the belt, one can discern their age without asking. Anything closer than 2 inches indicates they are at least 70.

Of course the sample groups I take my measurements from often do not like my efforts in the name of science. They will often put up a struggle. But I find if you place both knees gently but firmly on their bellies, a quick and relatively painless measurement can be taken. In 15 seconds they are back on their feet, free to shuffle back into the wilds of the mall.

Later.......................

13 comments:

Demeur said...

I have to disagree with you on this. The formula is all wrong. The real formula is a proportion of gravity based on the relationship of the size of the ever increasing waistline. It works like this. As the size of the waistline increases with age gravity causes it to sag to an ever lower position thereby making it necessary to hike the pants over the belly so that they don't fall to the thighs. This is exaserbated as the buttocks mysteriously dissapears presumably sneaking around and joining the belly hence making it even larger. The wearer must then buy pants with an ever increasing waistline and at some point must buy suspenders. That is when you know he is really old 80 or 90.

Kulkuri said...

If women wore their pants like that, the nipples would be in the waistband, sometimes are.

Randal Graves said...

What I want to know is why do old dudes wear black dress socks with their shorts and sandals when cutting the grass?

Middle Ditch said...

Women do wear pants like that Kulkuri and the nipples (and some of the rest) are. I should know (and so does my husband)

Whoops!!!!

BBC said...

Why do old men wear their pants higher than young men do?

Don't look at me, I always thought that low pants looked stupid even when I was young.

Demeur said...

Randal that's easy - So the grass stains don't show.

I never did wear white socks after Jr.High anyway. I'll bet Crum wears black socks. Had to wear them in military school didn't you?

BBC said...

I've worn white socks all my life, even in the navy as I recall.

Trukindog said...

The bigger my belly gets the less ass cheeks I have but no worrys I just punch another hole in my belt...eventually my belt will become a tourniquet...hmm maybe I should rethink that suspeder idea.

1138 said...

Honestly... Wasn't a issue I pondered.
Back in Texas, 7th grade, there was this non mainstream Mormon kid named Johnathan Hurlbutt (no kidding) - white shirt, bow tie, black shoes, white socks suspenders and pants that were up past his belly button.

I figured dorkism was genetic, a religious/cultural characteristic, or all three.

I own three slide rules and a collection of plaid flannel shirts so I know I'm "at risk", but in my case I know it's not genetic or religio/cultural.

Nan said...

I'm not sure what causes the waistline to creep higher, but I noticed when watching the latest Tom Selleck tv movie the other night that he's wearing his belt a lot higher than he did back in the Magnum PI days. Maybe the pants being a lot looser has something to do with it?

Kevin Scott said...

Hey - I found your blog after doing a search for Sanford, Maine. I'm thinking about moving to Maine and seeking work in Portland, Sanford has a few houses that are interesting.

Your thoughts on the town? Commute to Portland?

Joe the Homeless said...

Cause they don't give a fuck what we think.

Bill said...

Only a bicycle dude could even think of asking this question. For the rest of us, the answer is obvious. Take a hint from the comments. It's because our asses which used to hold up our jeans are gonzo! Belly or no belly, our butt has beaten us to the grave!