I Ain't Dead Yet

Almost every day when I was a child, a new wonder would catch my attention. Those moments of wonder were not always pleasant, but most were needed to help herd me toward the real goal, Adulthood. I was sure that adulthood was when all the magic began. Adulthood meant being free of someone standing over me, yakking in my ear and insisting that if I wanted to make it to Grown Up World, I needed to smarten up and fly right. My parents kept a history it seemed, of all the stupid kid capers I was prone to . My parents nagged me relentlessly. I certainly felt they did.

• "Don't touch that".
• "Don't eat that, you'll spoil your dinner"
• "Goddammitt Bug, stop bothering me".
• "Stop aggravating your brother and keep that tongue in your mouth."
• "Aunt Helen is coming to dinner, best clothes, best behavior, okay?"

The list was endless. Adulthood meant Freedom from rules.

Riiiiiiiiiiiight .............

Sure, being an adult released me from the rules my parents pounded into my brain as a snot nosed little punk. But what I found out after it was too late, those childhood rules would be replaced by adult responsibilities sternly regulated by adult rules with potenially harsher conseqeunces than the childhood punishments that were just steering me back to the road they wanted me on.

Adulthood and all of the responsibilities and challenges I started to stack up after my salad days as the irresponsible loose dog twenty something, did not have much effect on my blissful naivete until I hit my mid thirties. That was my first acknowledgement that being human included getting old. I thought about it for a minute and blew it off. But the seed had been sown.

The married working part of my life went by in a blur. There was a mortgage, a kid, and the struggles to make it cleanly from one pay check to the next. BA and I made it happen, but it took all our focus and  noses to the grindstone to keep on top of it. Fun, relaxing moments had become farther and further apart.

Time passed. We saw our daughter safely out of the house and into the World. We lived with and buried more than a few pets. We each owned and ran our own businesses. Then eight or nine years ago, I sold my bikeshop and retired. 

Finally I thought, there were no more rules to follow or break anymore; Mortgage was paid off, vehicles were free and clear, and our child was totally on her own living her life and looking like she was living it in the right direction. Nothing but time to waste if I wanted. I was sure I was now truly and convincingly Free. ........................

Riiiiiight ...........................

Now, after eight or nine years of my percieved Freedom, I have a new  set of rules. They snuck up on me as most new rules do. Never saw them coming, but should have.The shift boss of my new life experience is brutal and relentless. He speaks to me with painful reminderss of the years of self-inflicted damages and the natural decline by sending harsh pains that say,

"Don't do that again, it might just hurt even more the next time." 

I am stuck in a growing rotation of new and familar aches and pains. My body has become my enemy. 

My body rules the roost now. I wake up in the morning now. I will pause before getting up and ask myself, "What will hurt today; what new handicap will find its way into my life today? Every day is a new adventure now, just like when I was a kid. But now, instead of my parents guiding my life, my body does that for me now. 

It's like I am a child again, living a crater filled circular road trip that will end where it began.

Later ..............................

______________

Charlie Parr is a favorite musician of mine. There is no performer I have known that is more Salt of the Earth than Charlie. I picked his tune, "I Ain't Dead Yet" for two reasons, the song's point has a dovetail feel to go with my post and the story he tells before he starts singing is hilarious.