Damn Kids - The Unvarnished Truth About the First Coming

God had just returned to Heaven from his golfing sabbatical at "Holy Celestial Links", located at the outer edge of the Milky Way. He had been planning the trip for several epochs. He was sure everything at home would be covered. After all, he had left his only son, Jesus H Christ, in charge with his very capable lieutenant, St. Peter to keep JC on a straight track for the century God would be gone. 

It was going to be a quick million rounds with Beezlebub, that satanic, experienced and talented dispatcher of top notch tom foolery of the  hedonistic persuasion. God would hold his good frenemy close and under a watchful eye. What could go wrong in a century?

God's golf game had been terrible. Up until this trip, he had been a scratch golfer. Now he was leaning hard on a 7 stroke handicap just to stay competitive with "Bub", who still put a serious ass whoopin on the Big Guy. God only won a few hunded thousand rounds. 

Things got pretty testy back at the Mulligan Bar in th eclubhouse when the loser had to ante up for drinks. It didn't help that the losers each day, had to sport a temporary tattoo of the letter L on their foreheads and leave it in place until they won again. Additionally, at the end of their series, that L had to be burned into the forehead of the overall loser. 

God took the branding like a man and didn't even flinch when that red hot brand touched his head. Bub stood nearby, but at a safe nearby with self satisfied grin on his face.  Butter wouldn't melt in his mouth. He had taken Big Guy down a notch. There was some serious celebrations coming and even more tomfoolery that would rub in hard, this win over God.

God stopped looking in mirrors for weeks at a time. He did not enjoy being shown to be fallible, even here in Heaven among his friends and colleagues. Infallibility was one of his stocks in trade. He rationalized that competitions involving silly games did not matter. Accepting his losses and not using his over the top powers to influence the outcome, only reinforced his rep of being a just and fair God. There was certain to be much Hell and Damnation liberally spread among his flocks around the Universe before the Heavenly Father brought his golf temper back into check. His live minions would take the heat; they always did. A flood, a drought, an exploding planet or two just might bring down the temperature in God's angry index. It usually did.

What he found when he arrived back in Heaven though really set him off. St. Peter's assistant, Ralphael the Meek, met God when he landed.

"Geez Big Guy, I had no clue JC would pull such a stupid trick...... But you know kids, they are all touchy feely and want everyone to love them....... I did not know he was gone for a few years. That's all, just a few years. It was said and done then. I never thought he could stir up the heathens so quickly, so completely ......... By the way, what's up with the new brand on your forehead. Does the "L" stand for leader or maybe lover; something along those lines. If so, maybe add a "U" in front to make sure everyone knows you are the "Ultimate Leader or even cooler, "Ultimate Lover."

Raphael, the Meek was never seens again. When St. Peter asked God where he was, God only said, "He's on assignment."

God's sad golf vacation stuck in his craw. He was in no mood for childish shenanigans. There would be Heck to pay for someone.

"Where is the little bastard? ......... I will crucify him if I get my hands on him, I will nail his sorry ass up on a cross and let him rot until he stinks. In th emeantime, he can think about what he did. After all the work I put into instilling awe and fear of me into the hearts and minds of those poor slobs on Earth, he undermines it all by preaching love dove, let's hold hands and sing about peace and loving our neighbor. ........ What kind of message does that send? .... Love thy neighbor? I want them afraid and angry at their neighbors. Loving thy neighbor does nothing to support my hard line policies. ........ If Eve had not talked Adam into eating that apple, well, things might have panned out better for them. Disobey me, you're gonna pay."

God sat down on his throne hard. The boom cracked across the Universe causing stars to implode and galaxies to crumble. St. Peter groveled at his feet begging him not to turn him over to Beezlebub. They had hated each other ever since Pete tied Bub's shoes together when they went on that six month drunk out in the Magellinic Cloud. Yeah, there was no saving the friendship after that little stunt. Beezlebub still wears the scar from falling and cracking his noggin an very large and nasty asteroid that was whizzing by outside the bar.

God brooded for awhile. He tried to contact his son but his aides said JC was too busy, he was walking on water and then turning it into wine. The Aides all agreed, JC had what it takes to take the reins if and when God decided to step down. Behind closed doors though, with the stereos jacked up, their back stabbing tongues wagged on about how working for the Old Man was Hell in Heaven. He is such a sourpuss they claimed, especially now with that L brand burned into his forehead.

<~>

If God does indeed exist. And if God is really an Old Testament kinda guy who knows all and is desperately interested in what I am up to, then I am screwed I guess. But with a long history of disrespectful behavior and commentary about the idea of God, I figure God has some thick skin or his shit list of enemies is so long, he has yet to get to my name on that list. My only hope now is to dodge his wrath while still alive and hope the boat used to cross the River Styx has sunk and I will find refuge on some far distant archipalego that provides comfortablee deck chairs and serves drinks with umbrellas in them.

Hopefully, this wee tale of God behind all the glamor and demon smiting made some of you crack a smile. I know I truly enjoyed writing these sin filled words. 

I am nothing, if not the best Heathen I can be............. Later Gators.

_______________

I was messin about the interwebs, lookin for a tune that might dovetail nicely with my post. I started the search after finishing the rough draft and was into the details I hate about finishing, polishing, and gussseying up a post for public consumption. ........... So, there I was, stuck in my musical comfort zone, which, BTW, is rather broad and eclectic now; especially for a doddering old fart who looks like a steadfast, true blue AC/DC or Charlie Daniels fan. 

I was stuck rifling through music I had already rifled through many times before. Frustrated, I stepped outside that comfort jail I had locked myself in and let my freak flag fly. I punched up covers of Depche Mode's hit, "Personal Jesus". I noticed that there were too many covers to choose from; some great ones, some good ones, and some where one review was more than enough. 

I wonder what covers of hits from back in the days tells us about the original hit. The oldies that are played by the garage bands or the Homecoming Dance kings or who support the lounge lizard entertainers in bars and clubs worldwide are an expected phenomenon. Drunks want to hear what made them happy and hard back in the day. But when the big boy and big girl bands with real cred pick songs to cover, that is a sign of respect from the tribe for that tune and the people who played it first. There are timeless hits that beg to be covered and have been and still will be in the future.

So I headed into the endless jungle that comprises the musical offerings of Youtube. After some minutes of floundering, I settled on a tune onTV's, "Spain's got Talent", a spin off of "America's Got Talent". This nice looking, no make that, a knock out babe, who looks like she just stepped off her home beach near Rio De Janeiro, Brazil walked onto the stage. Her name is Indiara Sfair, and she took over the moment.

I was blown away. The judges were too. This lady might just be the finest harmonica player I have ever heard. Appreantly, she is righteously famous among the harmonica playing population. And because the snippet she played for the show wasn't enough, I found her version of "Amazing Grace". It caused the hairs on my neck stand up hard. So it's a two-fer today ........... Enjoy!

An Afterword. I was puzzled what tune Idiara played on the TV show. Apparently it was an original tune, not a cover. That just raised the WOW factor for me.