Sunday, March 18, 2012

The Brazil Butt Lift

I passed out on the couch last night.  8:00PM was my last awareness of time and the last thing I remember was I had a 24 ounce Papst in my hand.  It was St. Patrick's Day after all.  When I awoke at dark thirty in the morning, the Papst still had several ounces in it.

Being parched and in need of immediate hydration, I gratefully gulped down the last of the warm and flat beer.  Thirst quenched, I took a moment to get up to speed about my current situation.  Waking up on the couch was normal.  At least one cat on my chest, yep, normal.  And the TV being on was standard operating procedure.

It was what was on the tube that made me do a double take.  Spread across the screen was a close up shot of maybe seven sets of tanned buttocks wearing not much.  These were perfect and delectable buns.  The voice over informed me that I too could have buns like these if I would only call this number for the secret to a beautiful butt, oh and please do not forget that credit card.

Intrigued, but still in the throes of being half awake and half dead, I considered what it would be like to have buns that looked like the ones I was gazing upon at the moment.  Immediately I saw myself on some beach wearing a thong to show off my beautiful buns but I had forgotten to include time to exercise for those Amazing Abs.  Around front hanging over and hiding the top thong was my notable pot belly all hairy and stuff.  Yeah Mike, the chicks would not be able to resist.

Now that I have ruined your day with this image I can only say that if you have any notion of owning beautiful buns, make sure to also do what it takes to own Amazing Abs.  While you are at it, might as well beef up those pecks and deltoids at the same time.  Since you have gone this far, naturally a penile enhancement or breast augmentation would be a logical add on.  Along with comprehensive defoliation, add in some judicious skin tucking around the neck and maybe some material lifted from above the eyes and voila, you can once again know what it's like to be twenty years old.

Now you are ready to retire to Buenos Aires  and be available for that testimonial in the next Brazil Butt Lift infomercial. 



Beach Bum said...

Yeah, as someone who works nights I am very familiar with Brazilian Butt Lift infomercial. Several of those incredible ladies have been guest starring in my highly developed fantasy life.

On a sad note, given the reality shows that are on about the same time the Brazilian Butt Lift is not on a better show, it is far more intelligent than say a show call "Storage Wars" where several really high speed idiots bid and bicker over the contents of abandoned storage rooms.

Nan said...

Never saw an infomercial for butt lifts, but the free papers (Creative Loafing, the Sunday Paper, a couple of Spanish-language ones, et al.) in Atlanta were full of ads from plastic surgeons who promised to perform booty-enhancing miracles. Obviously, there is a market.

The Blog Fodder said...

A good swift kick would lift my butt. I need liposuction. Of course with liposuction and an enema, I'd only weight 67 lbs.

Demeur said...

I have come to the conclusion that getting old sucks and should be outlawed immediately. ;-)

BBC said...

I don't have enough ass left to show off.

Pabst makes my mouth dry and taste like frogs shit in it.

In the post below it was mentioned that you should get a little side business, hell yeah, every respectable bike shop should have a little back room with a fridge and sitting for about six bullshitters so you can sell them a little booze and pot.


I fell asleep once watching Cinimax..woke up to people moaning and groaning..thought what the fuck? was some soft porn and freaked me out

Randal Graves said...

You rat bastard.

Ol'Buzzard said...

Never trust a woman with a big butt and a smile
the Ol'Buzzard