Friday, October 24, 2008

Suggestions from a Fake American

As I sit here in the outback of Fake America, I ponder the usefulness of trying to continue my fruitless effort at convincing Real America I am not a socialistic sexual deviant who thinks babies should be killed instead of being raised to become Real Americans. I can see now I am fooling no one. Pulling the wool over the eyes of those sharp as a tack minds found in Real America is an exercise in futility. They have my number. They have me pegged. I may as well admit it now.

I guess my subterfuge was really just a manifestation of my urge to belong. My deep and secret desire to be part of Real America. I know now I will never be a member of that exclusive club called "My Friends". As I gaze in envy and listen to the leader of Real America call his friends to action, I know I will not be part of it. And though it hurts to admit, I have to be honest with myself. I will never measure up.

But I guess once the pain has diminished, the reality of exclusion sinks in, and I accept who I really am, I will bounce back. Even Fake Americans like me have some worth. Not much maybe, but if enough of us pull together, we might be able to help Real America, by carrying their bags, washing their clothes, and bending over when the need for Real Americans to expunge those less than civil urges comes over them.

Though I know I am a fake and a fraud, you Real Americans own some of the blame. Your forefathers were less than specific when they did not break down the differences between Americans who were real and Americans who were fake. The Constitution is noticeably vague on this point. By design or by accident, your forefathers created the confusion we Fake Americans have to this day. I guess even a Real American can make a mistake. I never thought it possible. But there it is.

Maybe an update on the original document might be in order. A red asterisk placed next to any reference to Americans with a polite but blunt explanation at the bottom that explains your forefathers meant Real Americans when they wrote Americans or citizen, not the fake ones like me.

This won't help me. I had to discover my stigma the hard way. But making note of the differences in the Constitution now would certainly help any new Fake Americans coming up avoid the mistake of thinking they actually belong here in Real America. That but for the grace of God and Real Americans and their soft spot for us, we would most likely be shot or at the very least exported to Cuba or some other lefty leaning low rent country.

In addition to the asterisks, a brief "Real America Primer" might be a good idea to have tacked on in the back. A list of rules and regs that clearly spell out what it takes to be a Real American. Some suggestions -

~ If you live in a Blue state - You are not a Real American
This one should resolve the issue for most of the territory found within the US borders. It will quickly define the areas where you can possibly live as a Real American and where you can't.

~ If you make less than $250,000 per year, you are not a Real American
Again, this will quickly shift the numbers of Fake Americans who might live in Real America into the right category of being unpatriotic losers waiting for handouts from Real Americans.

~ If you don't go to church, specifically a Christian church, you are not a Real American
I'm sorry, but restricting admittance based on faith is not negotiable. It says so in the Bible.

~ If you are not a member of the Republican Party, you are not a Real American
And just joining will not ensure you become real, but it's worth a shot as long as the previous requirements have been met. A review board in your community will scrutinize your application. Provided you have met the base requirements, they will pass it up to regional headquarters. You may still belong to the Republican Party, but not as a Real Republican. You will be designated a RINO if this happens.

~If you have to ask what a RINO is - you definitely are not a Real American
It may be impossible for you to overcome this hurdle. Real Americans take a dim view of pretenders who can't even speak the lingo.

~ If You belong to a Union, you are not a Real American.
This is non-negotiable. Real Americans know that it was Jimmy Carter and the Unions that have ruined our economy and set the World against us. As a matter of fact, just having been a union member in your past excludes you forever from being a Real American. Rules are rules. Real Americans abide by them. Real Americans don't flirt with commies, socialists and other retro bates that are found throughout every union in this great country.

~If you have a Democrat or a homosexual in your family tree going back 5 generations, you are not a Real American.
In an attempt to keep the species of Real Americans pure and unblemished for future generations to come, this condition was installed in recent years. It is a known fact that Democrats are gay and prone to evil thoughts like sharing and stuff. According to the Falwell School of Creative Genetics, it has been determined that God created Democrats by fiddling with our gene pool. Boy doesn't he have a sick sense of humor. Exhaustive study of the Bible and God's words found between the lines have confirmed what many Real Americans knew from birth. Homosexuality is evil and only Democrats would choose to be evil.

So even though Real Americans know homosexuality is a choice, it is the Democratic gene that creates this urge to be a homosexual. And it takes at least 5 generations of breeding with Real Americans before the Democrat gene is expunged from your bloodline. Of course you have to find a Real American who will agree to exchange fluids. Sometimes around last call down to "Bubba's Old Glory Bar n Grill", a Real American can be located who is having a weak moment and will invite you home. But only if you are wearing a flag pin or a tee shirt that says "Bomb, Bomb, Bomb - Bomb, bomb Iran. Remember even Real Americans who are under the influence insist on keeping up appearances.

My list is most likely incomplete. It is after all, a list compiled by a Fake American who had to figure all this out on his own with the limiting IQ we Fake Americans are cursed with. Any help a Real American might want to bless me with to clear up misconceptions and/or add to the list would be most appreciated.

Remember when they say "God Bless America", what they really mean is "God Bless Real America". The rest of us can and will go to Hell.


El Cerdo Ignatius said...

Gentle Jeremiah. Has the ideological and partisan vitriol spun that badly out of control this election cycle? I stopped paying close attention about three weeks ago.

I remember observing a political argument between two people I worked with in Toronto back in '92/'93. It started out civil, with well-argued points from both parties. It then got a little harsh in tone, because neither one would concede any points by the other. But it was still a fair disagreement. From my vantage point, the fellow with the more conservative viewpoint (Dan) was winning the argument because he was explaining himself well while the other fellow (Rajiv), although probably more intelligent and usually more articulate than his opponent, was basing a lot of his points on "World o' Feelings" - i.e., "it's the way I feel, so it must be right."

Then a stupid thing happened. The older, supposedly wiser, more conservative, and (up to this point) more reasoned Dan took offense to one of the points proferred by Rajiv. He lost it. "What? You can't be serious!! You f***ing communist!" And instantly, Dan crossed the line into incivility and nonsense, and although most watching had been sympathetic to him to this point, his outburst lost him the entire argument. At that point, I had to intervene - neither of these two fellows reported to me, but I was senior to both of them, and in about four seconds I told them to knock it off, get back to work, and (to Dan) to mind his f***ing manners. (The two of them later patched it up, but it was still awful to witness.)

I rather think, from the sound of your post, Crum, that this is where America is today. Neither side will give an inch anymore, and then one side questions the other's patriotism and worth of citizenship. I think it's fair game for someone to enumerate a list of conservative values, and believe that they made or make America great, and to try to convince others of the correctness of their position. President Bush might call this winning hearts and minds. (Ignatius ducks to safety as heavy, pointed objects get thrown at him for his mentioning President Bush.) Again, I think that would be fair game. I just can't imagine going from that position to one where I, for example, end up telling someone that his or her disagreement with my position makes them a traitor to their nation, or a pretender to their citizenship.

And if the opinion of a (conservative) outsider means anything, it definitely feels like the Real America when I visit any of the 49** States, red or blue.


** LISA SIMPSON: Grandpa, your flag has only 49 stars on it.

GRANDPA SIMPSON: I'll be deep in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missouri.

Gary ("Old Dude") said...

a well written piece---I enjoyed the photographs of some of the many real Americans.

Randal Graves said...

Your forefathers were less than specific

Yep, only a non-Real American® would blame others for their failings instead of pulling themselves up by their bootstraps.

Though your overt homersexual communism is canceled out by the Simpsons reference. Though that is canceled out by Matt Groening being a homersexual commie.

Oh, well played, Real America®!

1138 said...


"Keeping it real" is going to become a motto of the Police state.

Dawn on MDI said...

I do so love your blog. It inspires such creative thought and ideas for feedback in my wee little brain.

The comments from others, though, completely take the wind out of me. Everything I had thought to say previously that I considered to be terribly clever and insightful seems drab and unoriginal in comparison. I shall comfort myself with the knowledge that I have the same elitist tastes in blogs as some very, very smart people.

I had been going to say something clever about some animals being more equal than others, like pigs, for example, but now it just sort of lays there on the screen instead of jumping around and being exciting. Phoo.

BBC said...

Okay, just had time for a quick scan, but I contend that there is no such thing as a real American.

Our ancestors came here and killed a lot of it's natives and forced it's so called god on them, brainwashing them into believing that bullshit.

I am not a socialistic sexual deviant who thinks babies should be killed instead of being raised to become Real Americans.

I'm not sure what to make of that statement. What in the hell is a real American? A native? That's my best guess, I often like I have a native soul. My first wife was half native, but her soul got lost to the invaders.

Face it, America is one thing only, a failed experiment. Rome relocated and reborn here and posing as christians.

And then there are folks like us stuck in the middle of it all. I think that the new gods country was suppose to be about screwing but the women all took women's lib in the wrong directions and went shopping looking for happiness.

Women are not that smart, they just know stuff is all. And they want too damn much.

They have gotten so screwed up that they make it hard for you to even kiss their tits anymore.

Oh hell, never mind.

NorthCountryLiberal said...

Uh! What's a RINO?

Excellent post. You hit it dead center.

BBC said...

North County Liberal....

What's a liberal?

And don't push your dictionary at me, I already have one.

BBC said...

Actually, I just came back to look at your slide show. M&M's on a vagina?

I guess that would be fun, until you get to the fishy smelly part if she hasn't cleaned up first.

I never did get into licking that stuff much, isn't that where our dicks are supposed to go?

And blow jobs, what is with that? Okay lady, you love your dick, I get it, but lets get on with the screwing already.


Demeur said...

Yep great pics. Two actors one with a pigs heart and the other had alzheimers. An entertainer who was a druggy. And lastly the phony right wing talk show host who couldn't make it as a liberal talk show host also a druggy.
Ah oh I guess that makes me one of those fake Americans.

In other news the "christian" right is pulling out all stops to try and smear Obama.

Seems they're calling him everything except a cannibal. I expect that to come next week.

MRMacrum said...

el cerdo ignatius - Yes, the tone has taken a very nasty turn for the worse. Desperation by the Republican machine has fed fires that now look to suck all of us in. I was sucked in awhile ago.

We need both sides of the spectrum to remain healthy and moving forward as a nation. Acting as counterweights, the Right and the Left should keep us balanced as we struggle to deal with the pressures of living in the Modern World. When one side or the other gains the upper hand and begins to yank us too far in one direction, a backlash is inevitable. And in that Real Americans are not good sports as a rule, the game has gotten ugly.

I grew up all over this country. I made my living all over this land. And I know what real America is. It is all of us, Right, Left, straight, gay, religious, atheist, rich, poor, and yes, even folks from Cleveland. It pisses me off that the Republican machine has decided that only certain parts or mindsets qualify. What disturbs me more is so many idiots are buying into this line of crap. How can McCain say he wants to help all of us, when he allows the idea that only some of us qualify?

Old Dude - Let's see here. Four pictures of four Real Americans standing with our flag prominent as the back drop. Of this Fantastic Four, three are dead. The one who is still alive is brain dead, but well, so were Elvis and Reagan when they were alive. The Duke gets a pass just because he won WWll and tamed the West single handed.

randal graves - I don't have bootstraps. I wear flip flops. Damn you. Always pointing up my deficiencies as a Fake American.

1138 - I have always kept the idea of a Police State safely tucked away in my books of fiction and past history. Unfortunately, the last 7 years have made me consider that it could actually happen here. The rising intensity of the rhetoric from the right smacks of chauvinistic fervor that preceded several of the infamous attempts in the past. Wrapping oneself in a flag can be a dangerous activity that can lead to unintended consequences.

Dawn of MDI - I certainly seem to have an odd assortment of commenters. Each one makes me feel inadequate on a regular basis. Each one often sparks some tangent for me to explore within myself. It blows me away that there are so many smart people out there. I used to just blog to hear myself talk. Now I also do it to hear others talk. Your comments and blog have been favorites of mine for quite awhile now.

bbc - What Can I say? You have covered it so completely that I am almost struck speechless. Notice I said almost.

It all does boil down to sex I guess. Sex is what creates us. Sex is what drives us. Sex is often what undoes us. Without sex, there would be no reason to eat, sleep, or have a job. And here I was over analyzing things again. Thanks for the wake up comments.

Actually, those are Skittles not M&Ms.

Demeur - The interesting thing about the four idols is had they not wrapped themselves in the flag, their fame would never had reached the heights it did. With the possible exception of Elvis when he was young, none of them had an ounce of talent between them in their chosen fields.

Anonymous said...

Sarah's Real America is lip gloss speak for what use to be "those damn Jews, Niggers, 'n Catholics."

I think the old bigotry was much more honest.

MRMacrum said...

presterjohn - yeah, in your face bigotry may be shocking at first, but if nothing else, it is honest in it's hatred. No bullshit. No "code words". Much easier to deal with. Or at the least much easier to identify and pin down.

Middle Ditch said...

I was told by my dear and very wise mother never to discuss politics or religion. The best relations can be broken by doing this. I have heeded those words and never forgotten them.


Snave said...

You have said this all so much better than I would ever be able to. I am also, by the current GOP standards, not a Real American. I hope you don't mind that I have referred a number of friends to your post. It is one of the best I have read in a long time. Thanks!!

Snave said...

Just doing my un-American duty!

J. Marquis said...

Wow, that is one of the best written blog pieces I've run across since I started doing this over four years ago. Extremely powerful stuff.

BBC said...

Come on Billy - You know you would invite Leslie in if she showed up topless.

Only if she let me kiss her tits, but I'll bet that no man has kissed them for some time.

Sheryl said...

Funny! Although kind of sad that some people see it this way.

MRMacrum said...

snave - Thanks. I am slow to reply as I have been laid low with some sort of flu type bug. I suspect it may be some kind of divine retribution for being so judgemental of those who obviously have the Big Guy's ear. Either that or some Voo Doo witch doctor screwed up and mis-channeled a curse meant for someone else.

Patriotic catch words and phrases always seem to bring with them an inflexible line that breaks the herd into those who belong and those who don't.

j. marquis - I dunno about powerful. Just trying to bring some humor to a trait found in this country I despise. But thanks.

bbc - I think you are wrong. I hesitate to say you are lying.

sheryl - yeah it is sad, but not far from the perception of a few people I know personally.

1138 said...

"I grew up all over this country. I made my living all over this land. And I know what real America is. It is all of us, Right, Left, straight, gay, religious, atheist, rich, poor, and yes, even folks from Cleveland."

Me too same place.
As for the police state, I was educated with the precept and then experienced the FACT that it can happen ANYWHERE.
Even here, especially here if we allowed ourselves to believe it could never happen here.
The only thing unique about the good old US of A is what we keep alive and unique in her - there's nothing molded permanently into the fabric of the nation that keeps us better than anyone else.
Civics trump patriotism if we want to avoid a police state.
Civics have not been doing so well lately.