Saturday, October 11, 2008

Probing for the Truth

"US News & World Report" has been coming to this house for over 40 years. My parents read it. I read it. Yeah they have bias, but no worse than most and are much more objective than many other publications out there. Anyway, it is almost immediately moved to the bathroom mag rack when it comes in. The articles are short enough that the timing of the bathroom visit and the length of the articles often coincide and finish cleanly together with a flush. It is the perfect periodical for the throne.

This morning I happened to be in the health and happiness section near the back of the latest issue. An article about new surgical techniques caught my eye. Apparently the medical whizzes can now take out your spleen or pretty much any other gut part they want without so much as pulling out a knife and carving you up to do it. Using probes that enter either orally,vaginally or rectally, they can wander around inside your gulliwots pruning this, clipping that, and rebuilding it all nice and neat before they withdraw and go to the bar for Miller time. And you, the patient, have no stitches to show off to your co-workers, buds, or significant other. Just a deep sense of having been well probed and violated. They say you get over it.

Never mind my male pre-disposition to pucker hard when I hear or read the word "probe", this newest hip medical procedure is causing me to re-visit the part of my brain that stores and disseminates all information regarding Aliens, conspiracies, and the men and women who have become their agents.

It must have been about the time that new fangled engine Mazda supposedly came up with that made me aware we really were no longer alone. You may remember the engine. Named after some dude named Wankel? Right. All of a sudden some guy turns the automotive world on it's ear by designing an engine with no pistons. Again, riiiight. The fact that it appeared almost overnight and then disappeared almost overnight should be enough reason to raise serious questions about it's true origin. I really believe and you should too because well I believe it that this "innovation" was just too huge and unbelievable to be believed. Believe it. Our new puppet masters had over reached themselves. A more subtle approach was in order.

Small things began to be improved. Invisible planes. Gadgets that got smaller because of some just magically overnight discovered ability to put a complete city power station onto a piece of silicon the size of a gnat turd. Information and our favorite movies passing through "glass wires"? Yeah, I really believe we came up with that one.

What's that? Oh, you say anecdotal evidence. Hmm. Listen, these folks from planet "Oud Dair" are damn clever. Obviously smarter than we are. Smart enough to have most of us convinced they do not exist. And smart enough to only leave anecdotal evidence around to hint they actually run things on this planet.

I think this new "Surgical Breakthrough" may be another "Wankel" overreach. Humans cut things to get at what they want. Humans like to see evidence of acts committed. Saw dust, blood, grass clipping, and yes, scars. If there is no scar, it didn't happen. Rude n Crude- Humanity's basic rule. Delicacy is not our bag.

Now I have heard several versions about our new masters. One paints them as benevolent for the most part with our interests coinciding with theirs once they have programmed us that way. A nurturing alien culture. Call em Liberal Aliens.

Then there are the evil Aliens. We'll call them the Neo Con Aliens. The school of thought here is these clowns from away just want us for our meat, or our slave labor, and all the while rob us blind. There's no way I would believe that one.

The last one is really out there. We are being set up as a tourist attraction. A kind of Cancun for the Galaxy. All the little improvements we view as huge jumps in technology are nothing but attempting to bring this new Galactic resort up to some kind of expected galactic accommodation standard. Better than Super 8 but maybe not yet a Hilton.

While inclusion of this "non invasive" surgical procedure in our medical bag of tricks may not disappear, it's use will be de-empasized and become available only to the guests who are truly "From Away". The Aliens showed too much of their hand with this one. The clever humans have taken notice. And I have shown the nads to print the evidence. Do not be surprised if I disappear soon.


Dawn on MDI said...

To Serve Man


No more late-night pizza for you, bub.

BBC said...

Science is very interesting, but also an evolution.

The problem with the Wankel engine was keeping them sealed well and the fact that they had trouble getting them to burn clean enough to pass emissions tests. They may come back if they start providing enough hydrogen.

I like how they can mess around in your body like that. When my knee was fixed he used a little tube thing with a grinder on it, and a camera. Just cut two small holes and the scars don't even show anymore.

When Marie had her, hum, don't recall what was removed, but they pulled it out through a very small hole.

You sure heal a lot faster with the more modern surgery's that aren't chopping you all up.

Someday they will get to the point where they as much as design us before we are born, pretty cool, we'll have a lot less defects.

I wonder if we will still be bat shit crazy.

robin andrea said...

Anything would be an improvement over standard western medical practice: cut, burn, and poison.

Randal Graves said...

I'm never going to watch the X-Files the same way again.

And I think we'll always be bat shit crazy. If we weren't, we'd make one boring intergalactic tourist attraction.

BBC said...

Oh, I recall what they removed from her, her brain, ha ha ha.

Na, it was her gall bladder.

Just noticed your slide show, some of it is kind of weird. Put some boobs in it, oh never mine, you would put weird boobs in it. :-)

NorthCountryLiberal said...

Man that was great.

Will you come speak at out FoilHat convention?

Doesn't it feel good to give in to those urges to explain absolutely everything.

Candace said...

Blabbermouth. Now you've got me on their list, too. Thanks a bunch.

Middle Ditch said...

Okay, that's it for me. Ignore all the pain from now on. No probing in this lovely body. No way.