Sunday, February 25, 2007

A Brothel of Mechanical Whores - Part One

5 years ago the 1976 16HP Yard Man tractor my dad left me finally shit the bed. Something in the tranny went ka-blooey and it would only go forward in 5th gear. Tired of the increasing tendency of old parts failing at the wrong moment, I shoved it in the back of the garage and began mowing my 2 acre yard with a walk behind mower.

Lack of deep enough pockets kept me from even contemplating a new riding mower. That was then, this is now. I have 5 years of pushing a 22" swath through 2 plus acres of incessant green. I also find my pockets could now handle the idea of a new riding mower. Add in the fact that I have met my wife's criteria of no new equipment until the old had been tossed and the time was ripe for me to begin to dream.

So a few weeks ago while on a quest for other DIY stuff from Loew's, I told myself I would check out their mower section for a minute. When I found their display area, that minute turned into an hour. There were 12 or so riders sitting there seductively, all gleaming and shiny, promising a no hassle beautiful lawn should I just plop down the card and take one home. It was a brothel of mechanical whores.

I was instantly in love again. Only this time, not one but 12 lovers beckoned me and I could not choose. I would stand next to a Husky and run my fingers over it's hood and that red paint shouted sexual lawn pleasure should I fire up it's beefy 23 HP twin V motor and allow the 54 inch deck to hover over my grass. Mowing with this little beauty promised pleasures beyond my comprehension.

But soon I noticed a red Troy Bilt winking at me. She had a confident air and clean look that drew me away from the Husky. I fondled her mower deck and I swear she shivered. I was in lawn mowing heaven.

But then I looked across the aisle and there before my eyes the green and yellow paint of 5 different John Deere's shook their little PTO's at me and I was smitten. I almost ran over to them. I had heard about JD's. They had the rep. They always delivered.

Almost too bashful to even touch them I just circled each one and carefully turned over the teaser cards found attached to each steering wheel. I think I read the specs. I am not sure now though. All I remember is the fit like a glove feeling I got as I boldly climbed up on one and sat down. That yellow weather resistant seat caressed my ass and fit my back like it knew me intimately or soon would should I take her home.

The steering wheel was soft to the touch but hinted at rugged determination should the terrain get dicey. I swear it purred with pleasure as I gripped her wheel hard. As I sat lost in my fantasy, I gazed down at a dash full of intriguing knobs and small lights. I could only guess their purpose. I was sure they would enhance the experience though. These painted up hussies had turned my head.

At some point I remembered my original mission and regretfully left that alluring brood of mechanical seductresses and found the heating duct parts I had come for in the first place. To say it was a letdown to find myself taking home duct work instead of a new girlfriend would be an understatement. The severe case of mechanical blue balls I drove home with drove in my disappointment with every pothole I encountered.

End of Part One

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