Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Dental Hygiene

Just got back from the dentist. Without his tools of destruction in hand, a nicer man does not exist. Soft spoken, gregarious, and humble. But as soon as he gets that 15 inch novacaine needle in his hand, he becomes Mr Hyde. An evil man who takes perverse joy in the pain of others. He calmly tells me that, "You will feel some discomfort", and then all Hell breaks loose as he jams that triple aught gauge needle into my gums. I want to scream. But all the hardware and hands in my mouth only allow me a few wimpy grunts and squeals. I twist and fidget. I feel like a Bass some hamfisted fisherman is attempting to remove the hook from before throwing me back. The pain is indescribable and allows me no respite until the novacaine kicks in an hour later.

Once the novacaine releases me from the pain, I think I can handle it. Then I open my eyes and see him inches from my face. His eyes are gleaming. I know there is a crooked smile behind that surgical mask. He is enjoying this. This payback for ignoring dental hygiene for so long. He reaches for a new implement. Dull silver in color, it has an ominous looking gizmo on the end that looks suspiciously like the 15/16 drill bit from my tool box. He revs it like a kid wanting to peel rubber when the light turns green. "Turn this way, and open wide please".

I know what is coming, but can do nothing about it. I do as he asks. The sound inside my skull when that bit bites in is 500 Bees at 180 decibels. I close my eyes and try to find the "Happy Place". That safe place in my mind that will insulate me from the physical torture I am enduring. Those 500 bees in my head won't let me ignore his malicious machinery.

After an hour or so, he is convinced the crater he created in my tooth is big enough. I wonder what he is going to cram in there. A 55 gallon drum? His hand appears with a new tool. An odd tool. One I do not recognize. It looks like some sort of Star Wars targeting device. Shaped somewhat like a gun with an orange shield in front. He takes aim and my mouth begins to warm up. I am sure he is fusing my teeth together. But no, just melting some Elmer's epoxy into the hole. And always that glint whenever I open my eyes. I will see those eyes in my dreams. Once he is satisfied there is enough plastic goo in the hole, he pulls out the shaping tool. In my mind, it looks like a ore grinding rig from a coal mine. And again he revs it. Damn I hate that.

This tool creates less havoc in my brain. But the feel of the grinder against my teeth is disconcerting. He is at it so long, I wonder if he over filled the hole on purpose. At last, he jams a cardboard thingy in my mouth. "Bite down please". I bite. He removes the cardboard and looks at it. He continues to grind. One more time with the cardboard. He examines it and seems satisfied. Hands me a cup and says, "Rinse please".

"You are all set. If you would just touch base with Julie on the way out for an appointment in 6 months, we won't have to go through this again. You know, preventive dentistry is cheaper than reactive dentistry." I stagger out of the chair and worry about possibly tripping over my lip. My head is ringing. A bit of drool falls to the floor. I turn to thank Dan the dentist, and there he is with hand out and those eyes. Gleaming evil eyes. I shake his hand and "Thbaank Ooo Oc."

At the receptionist's desk, Julie is all nicey nice. Asking me how it went. Did I want to make another appointment in 6 months? And that this torture session would be $246 thank you very much. As I was leaving, I looked at the clock. What I was sure was a 3 hour stint under that sadist's drill had only taken an hour. I guess Time doesn't fly when you ain't having fun.

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