Sunday, November 13, 2011

She Punished the Hard Right Out of Him

You know the type. A bit worn around the edges from more than a few hard miles. Dresses on the trashy side and pops her gum between sentences. If you look too close early on, you might try to skip out on her. But you are a stud and you're horny. No last call wench is gonna throw you off your game. Her and her sharp curves and bony lookin spine. You've taken on tougher women than this. You showed em...........

Well stud, how'd it go anyway? You're lookin a tad worn out, used up, thrashed good and proper. Looks like you been ridden hard and put away wet.

What's that? Can't hear you. Stop mumbling ferchrisakes. Did you have your way with her or what?

Oh I see. She was a handful huh? Early on even..........what? Speak up man, you're mumbling again. Weren't expectin her to be so rough right out of the gate? Jeez dude, she's from Biddeford. Genteel ain't part of their culture. If you wanted romance first, you were in the wrong town. Shoulda stayed home.

But go on with your story once you've hacked up that second lung. I'll wait....................So you were hoping for some warm up lovin, ease into the rough stuff foolin around. And what happened, she came right at you, all up in your face twistin here rollin there, showing you dirty bits and naughty parts best left covered. And what's that about her holes? Holes you would have just as soon missed, but she insisted and well, you are a stud, so you tried to oblige. Notice I said tried bub. She's out there right now laughin at you and the puny equipment you brought with you.

Well fella, all I can say is when you go to Bid-fud, you gotta takes the brassy broad as she comes. Try to go with her flow, but for chrisakes, stay on top. She will bury you hard if you give her half a chance. And from the look on your sad sad what did I just do face, she had you down on your knees begging to be set free or at least have it be over..............Hope it was fun for a little while anyway.


I would tell you to get your mind out of the gutter, but I did take you there. These were my post ride impressions, dreamed up as I laid delirious trying to relocate my ability to move any muscle I could after being spanked hard on a trail ride today down on the coast. They may not have tall hills, but they know how to punish. It has been a long time, at least a couple of months, since I have felt this used and abused after a ride. But she left me grinning. Between cramp spasms that is.

Figured I would pull the classic stereotypical male crap and assign sexual overtones to the ride. Cuz, I gotta say sometimes there is no better way to describe a ride.

Later I hope to be present and accounted for in front of the tube to watch my Pats try to break out of their funk. I won't hold my breath. Passing out may be unavoidable.


The image of the woman with the Balitmore Doo is from "Female trouble", a movie by John Waters.

The image of the stunt rock is from the area I rode today, but not part of the trails we suffered on.


Tom Harper said...

My mind is simultaneously in the gutter and on a scenic trail in backwoods Maine. Cool.

Randal Graves said...

Maybe you should quit smoking.

Ol'Buzzard said...

Damn bro; you had me going - I was going to ask for her number.
the Ol'Buzzard

Demeur said...

Ah yes and remember when you could ride it all day as a kid. Guess those days are over.

MRMacrum said...

Tom Harper - Thanks. Some rides are just more memorable than others. Just like some women.

Randal - sounds like Liberal Dribble to me Mr Nanny Man. The only thing I have going for me are my bad habits.

Ol'Buzzard - I'll do you a favor. I won't give it to you.

Demeur - That was the problem. I mentioned to the "kids" I was feeling frisky. They tossed this 25 mile off road ride at me. In the future I'll keep any frisky feelings to myself.

Mr. Charleston said...

Somehow during all of this an image from Blazing Saddles came to mind... Man, those grubenschnitzels will wipe you out!

susan said...

Sounds to me like a genuine love/hate relationship.

Beach Bum said...

She will bury you hard if you give her half a chance.

Seriously, I thought all chicks did that to a certain extent.

MRMacrum said...

Mr Charleston - Blazing Saddles Huh? Actually kind of appropriate given how toasted my sit parts were when we finished the 25 mile ride.

susan - Sometimes because of my business, I do have a love/hate relationship with riding a bike. Over the years, there have been rides I rode out of obligation rather than for fun. But all things being equal, the only rides I regretted were those that ended up with me at the emergency room. I actually had a great time Sunday.

Beach Bum - Some do it subtly, some are in your face, no holds barred. Sunday's ride was an example of the latter.