Thursday, January 27, 2011

Not too Sexy for their Shirts

Portland, Maine has recently been highlighted by several magazines as a wonderful place to live.  GQ Online added Portland to their "Coolest small Cities" list back in November, 2010.   Forbes Magazine rated Portland their number one most livable city in April of 2009.  And finally, Outside Magazine rated Portland as the best over all city in the East for outside living in 2010.

Portland is a great little city.  I have had many good times there.  As a mountain biker, I am always impressed with the trail network the local cyclists have managed to find and connect not very far from the city center.  Casco Bay is a wonderul body of water and apparently the big Cruise Ships are beginning to agree.  The number of art galleries, artisan shops, and music venues is impressive given the size of the city.  There is lots to do any day of the week. 

The old school atmosphere created by the working waterfront keeps Portland's feet firmly planted in reality.  Any given day you can head to the fish markets and hear the crusty old lobster men cuss and fume over the price of lobsta, halibut, or scrod.  Take a break in one of the local dives and you might even find someone to pick a fight with.  Portland has it all in one small package.  I was once cold cocked by a drunken indian who came out of some bar and hit the first person he came across.  I was maybe 16 and my mom who was with me laid into the guy.  A strange encounter in Portland that has stuck with me all these years. 

So imagine my disappointment when I noticed that Men's Health Magazine just rated Portland the "least sexiest city" in the country.    Least sexy?  What the Hell?

First of all I have no clue what criteria is used to determine "sexiest".  Seems to me, that is one of those notions that relies on personal taste rather than being based on tangible and quantifiable data.  Or is it?  Apparently the creators of this list found the data needed to factually judge the sexiest city which by their standards is Austin, Texas.

The data used is:
  • Total Condom Sales (Portland - 95th /100)
  • Birth Rates (Portland 95th / 100)
  • STD Rates (Portland 100th /100)
I see.  Obviously they have done exhaustive research into this and determined that the city with the most drippy faucets, the most pockets packed with condoms and toss in the highest birthrate, that means that town knows how to party hardy 'tween the sheets.

Maybe it's just me, but I never found condoms to be the least bit sexy.  Nothing dampens the moment more than a last minute errand to the local pharmacy for a hoodie.  Though I never picked up any STDs, I imagine that showing up bed side with the faucet running cannot be that much of a turn on.  And please, the only real sexy thing about birth is the initiation process.  Birth is beautiful but certainly not sexy.

All in all, I would say Portland is at the right end of this list.



Beach Bum said...

I've heard good things about Portland, Maine and hope to visit New England before I kick the proverbial bucket.

The number of art galleries, artisan shops, and music venues is impressive given the size of the city.

Sounds a lot like Charleston, South Carolina.

The Blog Fodder said...

lobsta, halibut, or scrod.

Guy asks the taxi driver if he knows where he can get scrod. Taxi driver says I know what you want but I never heard it referred to in the past pluperfect before.

Maclean's Magazine does an annual Canadian survey and Newfoundland comes out way ahead in the sex dept. Nothing to do but fish and f--k and with the decline in cod, they can no longer fish, I guess.

Übermilf said...

clearly, this list is not beard-based, or you would've won hands-down.

Demeur said...

Not sexy? Hey what about that naked march you posted a while back? We can't do that here most times because it's too cold and wet.

Randal Graves said...

Going by their criteria, some sordid little burg in Texas or Arkansas is the likely bearer of Sexytown.

Tom Harper said...

That Men's Health "least sexy" article might have done Portland a favor. Too many magazine articles saying "this is a great place to live," and suddenly 40,000 urban refugees have moved there and ruined the place.

It happens. I live in a remote town near Olympic National Park. Everyone keeps worrying that this town will die, especially now with the economy in the toilet. But ever since we moved here 6 years ago, I've been terrified that this area will get Californicated by tens of thousands of urban refugees.

Chef Cthulhu said...

Portland is a great place for all the reasons you cited. Hell they even have a surf shop. Used to head to Portland quite a bit when I was living in Brunswick.

MRMacrum said...

Beach Bum - Because the Tourist Draw heirarchy of Maine is dominated by it's coastline, many of the other excellent places to see and experience in this state go basically unoticed. Portland is one of them. If someone has a week to spend in Maine, I would say 3 days ocean oggling, 1 day in Portland for good grub, great beer, and some live music. Then 3 days experiencing inland beauty that exists just off the main tourist grid.

Blog Fodder - It just surprises me so much money and energy is wasted on scrutinizing a basic human need.

Ubermilf - We Mainers like our Men furry and our wimmin willing.

Demeur - Yeah, well apparently for GQ unless the women are packin condoms, and have some kind of STD, and are parading around 7 months pregnant, then well it was not a very "sexy" parade.

Randal with one L - Off the Grid don't count.

Tom Harper - It does seem Mainers do their best to keep folks from invading permanent like. We love folks to come for a visit, but when the money's gone, we love to see em leave.

Chef Cthulhu - Surf Shop, Dive Shop, many bike shops, and more microbrews than you can handle in less than a week.

Too bad about Brunswick. Losing that base hurt.