The Struggle - Early Morning Rambling

In the past when the year was almost done, I would tend to write about where I had been and where I might go in the future.  I made it a point to not make promises.  Promises are too easy to break.  I would just point out areas of improvement and hint that I might try to work on those areas. 

This year I feel no need, no urge to dwell on what has happened, what might happen in the future, and what I might do when it does happen.  2010 was another year of struggle, business wise and personal wise.  Every year seems to break down the same way.  The incidents and accidents may change, but the struggle is always the same.  To make it through to another new year.  I will say though, I did handle the struggle better this year than I have in the past, oh, I guess 4 or 5 years gone by.

Maybe I am all wrong to consider Life a struggle.  Glass half empty mentality and all that pessimistic shit.  Life should be a celebration the Polly Anna's contend. ........Hmm.........Odd how the use of certain words saddle conversations with specific baggage .  "Struggle" is one of those words I guess.  It insinuates a negative situation or is read that way most days.

Personally I don't hang negative or positive on my struggle.  It is just the process of me making it through my days, my weeks, my years.  It can be joyous as this last Christmas season uncharacteristically was or down in the hole of black thought and uselessness I fall into on occasion.  Every day holds the promise of something new to deal with.  And every day I hope I can rise to the challenge.  I do know that worrying about what might happen tomorrow does nothing to help with the struggle.  Worrying about the what ifs only makes dealing with the what is that much tougher.

I sat down this New Year's Eve morning to write something about the past year.  I was going to pen a kind of retrospective on my favorite posts of the almost 200 I threw out into the blogosphere.  But the post got out of hand right out of the box.  I realized there really are no favorites.  I like them all, good, bad or indifferent.  They are just attempts to reach out to strangers and friends who might happen by.  Attempts to add what is on my mind to that which is on yours.  And to record for future retrieval the mindset I had "back in the day".

Dash Jim called me an attention whore the other day.  He pointed to my blog and my recent infatuation with Facebook.  At the time it was but a comment made in jest, part of a conversation where we both were slamming each other.  I was not hurt by his comment, but it did stick with me.  I thought about it and decided that yeah, I am an attention whore.  So what?  Seeking some acknowledgement that I exist is part and parcel of my struggle to not fall into the pit Churchill called "The Black Dog".  I make no excuses.  I offer no apologies.  My blog has become an integral tool in my struggle to become a better friend, a better husband, a better father, a better human.  By releasing some of the crusty buildup that clutters my soul, I tend to see more clearly the path in front of me.

I make no claim that my struggle is any tougher or for that matter any easier than the struggles anyone else deals with.  I know I am blessed with many things and I should be and I am indeed grateful for.  But the "things" we are blessed with usually weigh in as physical aspects of our lives.  Where we live, how much money we have, what kind of job, blah, blah, blah.  Strip away all the trappings we have or don't have and the struggle still remains.   We all are just trying to make it sanely from the cradle to the grave.  Whatever else goes on is just so much bull shit.

Now that I have effectively taken an upbeat morning and dampened it with that which lurked behind its curtains, I would finish with...........................................

Have a Happy New Year.