Monday, December 06, 2010

A Conversation in Heaven

It is now 2026. Somehow Humanity stumbled past the day of reckoning the Mayans indicated was headed their way. The Second Coming had not come yet, though many felt it was but a matter of weeks, maybe even just hours away. Humanity had finally caught on to the limitations it had placed on itself by it's wanton disregard for the planet. Populations were out of control. Starvation and disease had once again hit biblical proportions.  Economies were reaching equilibrium's that did not sit well with those countries forced to move down to meet that lower common denominator. Knee jerk social change resulted as nations responded to the new realities.  Countries caved in on themselves, many completely overhauling their governments to reflect the growing fears of Armageddon. Religious Zealots ran for office and won. In massive reversals, social and religious agendas that had been festering for years became laws over night. Civil unrest became full blown civil wars.
Up in Heaven a conversation ensued.


"Yes Peter?"

"You been paying any attention to Earth lately?"

"Come on Pete, I can't be everywhere all the time. I've got a Universe to run you know. But yes, I know. Bit of mess down there isn't it? Guess it's my own fault. I did give those flounders Free Will when I set the place up."

"Yeah, but how could you have known they would be such idiots?"

"Uh Peter, I am God you know. Supposed to have a handle on all of this. The rumor I spread is that I am infallible."

"Yeah, that was a good one God."  St. Pete searched God's face for a reaction. "Guess it back fired huh?"

"Hmm. I guess it did. Looks like I'll have to send Jesus down to tear that planet a new asshole again. Damn. I hate sending him. He's such a cocky bastard. He'll never let me forget I needed him not once but twice. I really don't want to call him in from the bull pen, but as you have noted, things are really out of control down there."

Saint Peter sat and rocked in his gold gilded Adirondack rocker.  He pulled on his golden pipe while spitting great puffs of smoke out each side of his mouth as he got his bowl glowing red hot. Once it was fired up to his satisfaction, he stopped rocking. He took a huge hit, pulled the pipe out of his mouth and blew a new cumulus cloud into existence.

"By the way God."

God was nodding off by this time. St. Peter's voice brought him out of it. He jerked his head up off his chest.  "What is it now Pete?"

"How long am I going to have to fill in as cloud generator?"

"Until further notice Peter. You know we are short handed right now what with the basement gang stealing most of the new souls."

"You know something God? "

"What's that Pete?"

"I liked things around here when you were younger and not so sure of yourself."

"What do you mean Pete?  I was suffering from a split personality back then.  How could you think it was better?  Half the time I didn't know if I should show up as Zeus or Aphrodite.  I don't know how I thought offering everyone a god for every occasion was a good idea. "

"Well, it worked for a long time.  Certainly gave you the perfect out when it came to smiting someone down.  You could hide behind plausible deniability and blame one of your other selves.  Perfect scam, but....."

God finished the thought.  "Look at me now?  Is that what you were going to say?"  God's eyes narrowed. 

Pete cleared his throat with a nervous cough.  "Easy there big guy, I only meant that it just seemed so much simpler back in the day.  I wasn't stuck generating clouds and also doing the Walmart meet and greet at the Pearly Gate."

Shaking his head in disgust, God stood up.  The porch shook, almost knocking St. Peter out of his Adirondack rocker.  "Well Pete, I gotta get back to the grind.  Earth can hang on for another year or two.  There's a leak in one of the black holes in Nebula 413 I have to attend to.  Can't let those black holes get out of control, they'll suck the life right out of a guy, give em half a chance."

God headed to the porch steps.  Each foot he brought down made Pete's teeth rattle.  Before hitting the steps, God turned and glared his best God glare at St Peter.  "Before you open your trap and say something like, "Oh gonna run off and ignore the mess you created down on Earth".  Yeah before you even think that, remember everything I do is done for a reason only I can know."

St. Peter never liked God's glare.  It was damn unsettling.  But one of the reasons he was God's right hand guy was he did not back down.  He glared back at God, blew out some smoke and said,  "Whatever God, you're the Man with the Plan."

Most of the above was found wasting away lost among the sea of unpublished drafts from several years ago.  I spotted it, pulled it up to the front of the line, and gusseyed it up some for public presentation.  Sacrilegious for sure.  But in a light hearted and fun pokin way. 


Kulkuri said...

Nice story. Like the cartoon about the remote control car.

ain't for city gals said...

I have to say...I just watched a press conferance with our "beloved" President about the tax credits...he pretty much had the same attitude as in "If you don't like it tough"! and still blaming others for his rule...and if looks could kill not too many of the reporters would still be alive.

BBC said...

The Second Coming had not come yet, though many felt it was but a matter of weeks,

The second coming was expected to come within about a hundred years, many of these idiots are still waiting for it to show up.

They have this interesting way of warping time so that dinosaurs existed within the last 6 thousand years.

El Cerdo Ignatius said...

Oh, dude... dude... so many to pray for, so little time.