Saturday, December 04, 2010


One night awhile ago I watched Mrytle lift the pizza box lid with her nose and shove her head deep into the delectable center where all the pizza tidbits that did not make it into my mouth still sat waiting.  Maybe she thought I was sleeping after gorging myself with the large pineapple and bacon extravaganza only a pork and pineapple addict like me could truly appreciate.

But I was not asleep.  I was keeping at least one eye on that box.  There were still three slices left.  And no, I did not feel like sharing.  Not tonight.

"Hey.  What the Hell are you doing Miss Mrytle?"

Myrtle was a quick little thief even at the age of 14.  She pulled her head out of the box with one of the pizza slices hanging from her mouth.  She looked at me.  I looked at her.  She began to turn to escape my clutches.  But this was my pizza, not hers.  And I was quicker.  I grabbed her gently and placed her in my lap, the slice still gripped hard in her mouth. 

I knew how to get my pizza back without a struggle.  I stroked her back near her tail.  Her butt lifted and she opened her mouth to meow.  The stolen slice fell into my lap.  She looked up at me with eyes that said, "I hate you, but don't stop."

I turned to Stubby sitting there next to me and said, "And where were you?  You're supposed to keep an eye on your feline buddies.  You are one worthless guard dog."  Stubby did not hear me.  She was too busy trying to inhale the pizza slice through nostrils working overtime.

At my feet sat Fernando looking all innocent and clueless.  But I knew he was just putting on a show.  As soon as my back was turned, it would be every pet for him or herself.  And 'Nando would be first in line.  He was the bad ass in the house.

I sat surrounded by fur bearing vultures only held at bay by the fact that I was bigger than they were.  There was no loyalty, no rules.  Seems I had no choice.  And since Myrtle had already compromised the virginity of that slice of pizza, I broke it up and shared it with the three of them.

In short order, Mrytle and Fernando had had their fill.  They sat on the coffee table and licked their paws.  Stubby on the other hand had inhaled her share and was now looking at me as if to say, "Okay, I'm ready for some more."

Damn Pets.


Carla Ganiel said...

"I hate you, but don't stop."

I can recall a few times in my life when I had that same exact thought. Guess I understand your cat.

Randal Graves said...

HA! I'm sorry, but I've gotta side with your pets, the real owners of the house. That's just funny.

The Blog Fodder said...

Carla, you sound like my kind of woman.

Glad you shared the pizza with the pets. My son fell asleep with a large pizza sitting on the coffee table (damn fool) and the dog ate the entire thing. Didn't eat again for three days.

Kulkuri said...

Funny thing about pizza and pets. We've had dogs that would sit and drool all over themselves at the smell of pizza. Have to save at least some crust for the dog.