Monday, March 29, 2010

FFF #26 - 250 Words - "Climax"

Not sure why I wrote another 250 words with this starter sentence from Cormac. I did really like the prompt though. "What do you see when you close your eyes?" So many possibilities. The great efforts of the others is testimony to that.

I have been tossing images of old tractors around in my mind for quite awhile now. And how can I mention tractors without mentioning chawin bacca? Besides nothin picks up my day more than a picture of a flashy red tractor.


"What do you see when you close your eyes?"

Jacob looked at the salesman and said, "What?"

"Sir, if you could, please close your eyes. What kind of tractor do you see yourself tilling that back forty with?"

Jacob tugged on his beard and looked this citi-fied stranger over. Out of his bacca pocket he pulled a half plug of Climax and tore off a healthy chunk with the five teeth he still had. He got the wad rolling real good and said, “Why dontcha close your eyes Bub and tell me what kinda tractor you see me on." Some bacca juice dribbled from the corner of his mouth and into his beard.

Sid said, “Why sure thing , Mr. …..”

“Name’s Jacob Blanchard.”

“Okay Jacob Blanchard, I’ll just do that.” Rubbing his temples Sid began.

“I see a field. In this field, a shiny new Farmall “Mogul 8-16” sits idling with a new double wide disc rig tagged on. I see you slide onto that shiny new black seat. Caressing the steering wheel with one hand and releasing the brake with the other, you smile your way through that back forty. You finish so fast you’re a half hour early for supper.” Smiling, Sid opened his eyes.

"Nice story bub but I din’t come for no tractor.” Jacob spit some well chewed Climax on Sid’s left shoe. “I come in to find out what fool parked in front of my dumpster. I’m guessin that fool would be you.”



Doc said...

This is the greatist Climax I've read yet. The spit on the polish makes it!

It is as if you have found your groove. 250 suits you. Both of your tales hold their own, but of the two, I like this one a little better. Maybe it is because I am a past bacca chewer myself but the short, subtle revenge story between local and city slicker just rings true to me. Hell, I'd spit on his shoe too!

As far as the 250 goes, you have done some masterful work, but I still like the sci-fi that you have written. It has story, characters, setting, plot, all with your wonderful twist of imagination. In 250, the reader gets three to five minutes of "real time" in an evolving scene. You always manage a great line at the end that encapsulates the whole tale and really drives the 250 home and you are to be saluted.

But as a reader, maybe a story in thirds. 250 each.

Please take the above advice with a grain of salt each.


The Blog Fodder said...

Love it. Being a country boy myself and all. Not too keen on machinery salesmen who don't know their way around either.

Local chaw in my days was Copenhagen. Then the "cowboys" took to Skoal because they were big rodeo sponsors.

Waiting for part three of the trilogy.

Demeur said...

Darn and I was thinking of a green and yellow John Deere.

Beach Bum said...

Great Story! Tried chewing tobacoo once and puked both lungs and most of my liver out. That and not liking NASCAR almost got me tossed out of the South.

David Barber said...

Mike. You certainly can handle the "250 worders" with ease. Your writing is constantly improving week in week out.

The spit on the shoe was great along withe the 'bacca juice' dripping on his beard, both great images. Great work, Mike.

I've only smoked in my life for about a month when I was twelve and I was a sick as a dog when my mate got some stronger cigs than what we were used to, but not as sick as when his dad got some chewing tobacco and he stole some. Oh man, it was awful. Never smoked again after those two incidents. (Well, the odd "relaxing" one but that's another story.) ;-)

Regards mate, David.

Flannery Alden said...

Oh, snap! That's a good story! I can't stand those types of salesmen (I've met preachers like him too...).

Utah Savage said...

Nicely done!

Randal Graves said...

I wouldn't say it's the greatest climax I've read yet (tractors aren't that steamy) but this was one extra sharp piece.

Four Dinners said...

Hahaha! Excellent stuff old bean!!

Apologies for absence. Red hot poker up the bottom...too much information...;-)

susana said...

loved it. You could use the word "bacca" in one more spot...instead of "back forty" call it "bacca forty" it could keep the reader guessing a bit...from 'bacca pocket' and "back pocket'... creating little word twist..or bacca twist. =D
oh never mind! it is, as usual, a great read.

Crybbe666 said...

MRM, enjoyed this piece quite a bit. I think you have really got this 250-word thing down quite well. Great piece!

Nicole E. Hirschi aka CJT said...

ahahaha! Loved this!!!

MRMacrum said...

Doc - Of the two this one came the hardest. The first draft was over 600 words long. Took some serious doing, but I finally tweaked it to this point.

I had a college roomate who dipped. I tried it for a month or so and finally had to give it up. Burned my mouth too much. Great buzz though.

The Blog Fodder - This was an interesting piece for me. You see, I am a salesman myself. Not a very good one as I often talk people out of what it is they came in the shop for. But selling is what I do. I actually modeled this salesman after my old partner who had the "hard" sell down.

Demeur - Farmall tractors have always been my favorite. I had a toy one when I was a little tacker.

Beach Bum - Chaw is some nasty stuff. Seems it is a natural companion to NASCAR. Glad you liked the story.

David - you point up my two favorite lines. I worked with a truck driver back in the day who always had bacca juice dribbling down into his beard. And yes, I can see improvement in my writing for sure. But then when I look at everyone else's work over the last several months, it seems we all have made serious gains. FFF has some damn good writing going on. Erratic maybe, but every week one or two really kick my ass.

Flannery Alden - Well preachers are salesmen too.

Utah - Thank you. You are the one blogger who got me interested in this.

Randal - You need to sit on one before you decide it is not a sexual experience to drive one.

Four Dinners - Actually for this crowd, there is no such thing as too much information. Hope everything worked out for you in the end - ;) Thanks for the kind words.

susana - Thanks much. I toyed with trying to bring in more 'local" idioms, but decided that unless I could capture it completely, I should stay away.

Crybbe666 - Thank you. It does seem 250 words is easier for me than 100 or even 500.

Nicole - Thanks. It was a fun one to write even though it came harder than the other one.