Saturday, August 07, 2010
Frustrating obligations gather dust in the hold and other unfulfilled promises stand tapping their toes impatiently on future shores while I take time to just sit. Sometimes I just need to sit. Sometimes I need a space of time that passes without my involvement other than drawing that next breath. These moments will often return some clarity, some focus on the next bend in the river, the next compass point to aim for. And even if these slacker instants don't reel me back in, taking a time out seems to allow me to re-locate again saner speeds and safer trajectories.
For Life can become quite choppy as it moves downstream. Inconvenient boulders, rude branches, and small snags hide in the frenzied tide. Navigating through the jumbled chop tossed up by others passing by upstream or down makes for a tough boat to row.
I sometimes wish I had a motor. Sometimes the notion of Hi octane four barrel carbs forcing my engine to redline has some appeal........................................Until of course I run out of gas.
Then I sit whether I want to or not.
Over the years I have found, discovered more than a few things about myself. This tendency of mine to shut down completely began years ago but went unoticed. Actually I am sure I noticed I had become somewhat detached. It was not until my beard had gone white and my chest had sunk to my belly that I took the time to really analyze these growing periods of just sitting.
I retraced my steps that led me to this emotional couch and realized the contrast from where I am now becalmed and without hope of a freshening breeze, is only because my previous efforts had pushed me out of the prevailing winds my life's sail was meant to travel on. I had gotten ahead of myself. I was too far in front of the situations and interactions and had to wait for the rest of the world to catch up.
What I did not expect was that in reality my efforts to paint the prettier picture was only hiding the truth. My languished moments were more often than not, dark moments experienced because I was sure the World had passed me by. And catching up with no fuel in the tank was not going to happen.
So I sit. And sit. Until finally some kind stranger or fed up friend floats up and restocks my fuel supplies so that I can once again join the human race.
This post started with me in a good mood. I dropped it unfinished when I felt the need to "sit" and then finished it once I found my legs again.
Image from the Porter Family site