The Brazil Butt Lift

I passed out on the couch last night.  8:00PM was my last awareness of time and the last thing I remember was I had a 24 ounce Papst in my hand.  It was St. Patrick's Day after all.  When I awoke at dark thirty in the morning, the Papst still had several ounces in it.

Being parched and in need of immediate hydration, I gratefully gulped down the last of the warm and flat beer.  Thirst quenched, I took a moment to get up to speed about my current situation.  Waking up on the couch was normal.  At least one cat on my chest, yep, normal.  And the TV being on was standard operating procedure.

It was what was on the tube that made me do a double take.  Spread across the screen was a close up shot of maybe seven sets of tanned buttocks wearing not much.  These were perfect and delectable buns.  The voice over informed me that I too could have buns like these if I would only call this number for the secret to a beautiful butt, oh and please do not forget that credit card.

Intrigued, but still in the throes of being half awake and half dead, I considered what it would be like to have buns that looked like the ones I was gazing upon at the moment.  Immediately I saw myself on some beach wearing a thong to show off my beautiful buns but I had forgotten to include time to exercise for those Amazing Abs.  Around front hanging over and hiding the top thong was my notable pot belly all hairy and stuff.  Yeah Mike, the chicks would not be able to resist.

Now that I have ruined your day with this image I can only say that if you have any notion of owning beautiful buns, make sure to also do what it takes to own Amazing Abs.  While you are at it, might as well beef up those pecks and deltoids at the same time.  Since you have gone this far, naturally a penile enhancement or breast augmentation would be a logical add on.  Along with comprehensive defoliation, add in some judicious skin tucking around the neck and maybe some material lifted from above the eyes and voila, you can once again know what it's like to be twenty years old.

Now you are ready to retire to Buenos Aires  and be available for that testimonial in the next Brazil Butt Lift infomercial. 

Later........................

The Sad Reality

The bike shop has pushed the rest of my life off center stage.  Hopefully I will find some balance sooner than later.  But I am afraid I am back into it. The repairs are not just trickling in anymore.  It would be helpful if I don't burn out until September. 

Do something long enough and no matter what goes on around this something one does day in day out, the rhythms remain the same, even if the resulting conditions change.

I changed my age old bike shop business model three years ago now.  And yes, it has changed the way I interact with my customers.  Mistakes become bigger deals as I have had to learn to walk a narrower financial ledge in order to keep the doors open.  No longer is dickering the exception, it is now the rule.The customer is coming in with the idea of spending as little as possible for the product or service they want.  The retailer (me) hopes to maximize his profit, but  has become used to settling for the minimum profit he needs to get by. 

Free Range Time Keeping

I have become used to the government and their tendency to fool around with the money I send them every year.  They often pretend to give it back, calling it a tax cut.  That never lasts because while they are thinking of ways to give it back, they are always considering more ways to take it away.  It is as if they had this big balloon filled with air.  Someone ensconced well within the gulliwots of the government belly decides the citizenry could use some of that air.  They tap the balloon and let some of it out, which in theory should give all us a little more room to breathe.  But we all know the government does not enjoy working with an under inflated balloon, so on the other side of the balloon, they plug in a pump to suck most, if not more of that previously released air back into the balloon. 

Pine Tree State Politics - An Update

Angry and indignant women carrying signs and chips on their shoulders congregate in front of a local AM radio station in Portland, Maine to protest that station's active role in spreading the hate filled nonsense of another brainless political hack.  These irate ladies demand the station cease broadcasting this man's message.

When interviewed, the station manager grins ever so slightly and tells us the man has an audience that either loves him or hates him, but it's the numbers that count.  As long as he has an audience, no matter their opinion, the station will not stop his broadcasts here in Maine. 

Waking Up Dead

George was fairly certain he was dead now.  The last time his eyes were open, they were looking down an empty subway tunnel under lower Manhattan.  George was a track checker and close to retirement.  It was his last full week at work and as he had done for 35 years previously, he trudged his section of tunnel looking for problems on the line, around the line, down the line.

Now George noticed he was walking on a dirt road.  Up high, the Sun sat on one side of noon or the other.  Trees swayed slightly under a kind and gentle breeze.  Outside woodsy smells assaulted his nostrils replacing the stench of the subway he had huffed 5 days a week for the last too many years.  He had a walking stick in his hand and he no longer limped.

The Ant Farm

I visited Conservapedia the other day to check out what movies they felt presented conservative values in a strong and positive way.  Surprisingly, there was no Ronnie flick near the top.  The top two conservative movies were "Witness", in at number 1 and "Spiderman" close behind at number 2.  There was the predictable assortment of biblical movies in the mix, 'Ben Hur" "The Ten Commandments", etc.  Ronnie did not show up until well down the list.  Seems conservatives value his political skills much higher than his acting skills.  Me, well I give him a low to mediocre grade on both.

Another Beacon of Light in the GOP

“Our country is falling apart economically, politically, culturally, militarily,” he said. “We are going down.”

Art Jones or Arthur Jones, the name he preferred back in his younger more passionately fascist days is a Republican candidate for Congress in Illinois' 3rd district.  He is sure the US is in the same state of chaos that Germany found itself following WW I.  As a former member of the Nationalist Socialist Party (NAZI) and an ardent student of Germany, Hitler and all the pomp and circumstance only men in brown shirts and hob nail boots can create, Art is also positive the Holocaust never happened.

Another of the DIsconnected - Disconnects

While the snow blew hard outside today, I managed to be productive and streamline some day to day, week to week, month to month bike business drudgery into a less haphazard process.  As I get deeper into the actual business part of running a retail business, I find I want more information with less digging.  Today, I designed my own spreadsheet to help me do that.  Call it an education in spreadsheet basics (courtesy of my loving and dear wife with the CPA - uh, this plug is absolutely necessary if I want her help in the future).  The new twist on the information I was hoping to find brought a deeper understanding of financial aspects I need to be paying better attention to.  It is as if I peeled back one more layer of this onion.

Ending Up With Extra Parts

I forgot we were in for an extra day this year.  I have one more day to catch up on all that I have fallen behind on.  I have one extra day to hold off paying any bills due in the first week of March.  24 bonus hours to either waste or use wisely...............Riiiiight.

I will admit that at an early age I thought the concept of time was silly.  At least the way we humans seem to be tied to it so closely.  It took many years before I grudgingly caved to the World's insistence on schedules, lead times, down time, and having no time.

Currently and Totally Disgusted

I recently broke one of my rules regarding the Internet.  I opened up and read the comment section of a political blog, the Drudge Retort.  I then went further down the rabbit hole by actually commenting on a few articles.  What was I thinking?  I gave up fencing with idiots many years ago.  Yet, here I was trying my best to bring sense into an arena where common sense has no place.  Yes, among the frothers and hate spewers, there were voices of reason.  But they were, as they always are, shouted down with brainless party hack regurgitations from minds obviously well soused with their side's kool aid.

The Ex-Marine

I was supposed to go ice riding this morning.  I didn't.  My daughter came up from Springfield, Mass yesterday.  I figured a visit with her even for the short time she would be here today before she left was more important than a freezing cold ride out in the woods.  And it was some cold this morning.  Windchill I figure was in the negative numbers below zero.  Brrrr.

I am glad I took time from my own selfish pursuits to catch up with the world and events surrounding my only daughter.  She is hating her doctoral program at the moment because of the courses she is being force fed.  But she knows it will get better.  Her Honda Fit  she now knows is not meant for winter style driving - too loosie goosie in the frozen shit.  And she has finally found a guy that seems to fit in with her lifestyle.

No Guilt.....Well Not Enough for Me to Not Do It

"Yeah Keith, you are absolutely correct.  I oughta give myself a new bike for my 60th birthday.  Ain't had a brand new complete bike built from the ground up in more than a few years.  Think the last one was my 'Ted', almost 20 years ago."

And so the seed was planted.  A small part of a casual conversation about bikes, riding, and when will the ice and snow be completely gone in the woods............. If anyone asks, I'll swear it was Keith's fault.

Life as a Loose Dog

I have been MIA quite a bit here in the blogging neighborhoods that permeate the Internets.  It certainly was not a planned absence.  Everyday I miss out on my fix, I have regrets.  But I made a promise to myself this year.  Not a New Year's resolution type promise, but a promise nonetheless.

Satan's Crutch

Santorum recently claimed that Satan was hard at work destroying our country.  "Yeah", I thought, "Rick, you have been a very busy boy of late."

The Dark Ages, or in polite historical circles,  Medieval times or maybe even less controversial, the Middle Ages came to mind.  Being a history buff, but hardly disciplined or myopic enough to be considered a historian, I have always considered the study of history to be opinion supported by facts.  There is nothing objective about History.  There are events no one can argue over.  But try to find reasons for those events and what their repercussions were, well, it's like listening to Fox News or reading the Huffintgon Post.  Everyone puts their own spin on it.

The New World Order Comes to Maine

While the lunatic Left Wing fringe of Acton, Maine urges the town to pass a resolution condemning nuclear weapons, Moore County Commissioners down in Texas are dealing with the real threat to America............. Agenda 21.  They passed a resolution rejecting it.

From the article:

"Agenda 21 is a U.N. resolution ratified in 1992 that encourages the 178 signatories to seek ways to develop in a way that is friendly to the environment and sustainable over a long period of time."

It appears this evil notion is the weapon that will finally bring our great country down.  The heroes fighting the evil being spread in its name are patriots who recognize that urban sprawl is an American birthright, guaranteed under the Constitution.  Okay, so the almost smart ones know it isn't, but they are damn sure it should be.

Apparently our own intellectually challenged governor, Paul LePage is on board also. 

"In Maine," the Times(NY) writes, "the Tea Party-backed Republican governor canceled a project to ease congestion along the Route 1 corridor after protesters complained it was part of the United Nations plot."

Happy Hour at CRUM's

Keith walked in the bike shop tonight about quarter to six.  In his one hand, his typical coffee cup.  In the other hand, a small brown fancy boutique paper bag with twisted loop handles.  Two clear bottles stuck out of the top with just enough showing to invite curiosity and maybe toss a hint of what was inside if one knew Keith like I did.

I was in the last gasps of a "Rock Shox Reba RLT" fork install.   The customer, Young Jim, and I were finally figuring out where we went wrong when hooking up that cutting edge Pop Lock Button for the fork lock out. 

I was ready to be in an end of the week bad mood when I looked up and saw Keith.  I took a second or two to recognize the bag.  I smile,  "Hey Keith you asshole, finally brought me something beside a smile and a handshake.  About fuckin time jerkwad."

Harrumph!

If ever there was proof that religion mixing in politics just screws things up, the recent dust up over contraception and the new health care law is all the proof we need.  Claiming that it is an issue of religious freedom and not contraception, the Republican pretenders to the throne are jumping on the bandwagon with warnings that Obama is trying to destroy religion and here's the proof.

If it is about religious freedom, then whose freedom is it about?  The faithful, who in massive droves practice contraception on a daily basis?  Or is it about the freedom of a backwards narrow minded clergy network that will use anything it can to establish more political power?

Comments

Randal just commented on my previous post.  He insisted that our new anthem should be this one.  I cranked it up and tried to give it the serious consideration it should have.  After all, Randal and his opinions carry with them some heavy weight.  Unfortunately I just cannot see this tune catching on with the folks who are buttoned down, wing tipped and hang out outside church networking on Sundays.  Besides at 9 plus minutes long, it would be a tough sell to 70,000 screaming football fans prior to kick off.   Sadly, as much as I enjoy Metallica, I still think "America the Beautiful" should be the national anthem. 

In the meantime as the tune punishes my auditory nerves,  I open my comments section and notice that  Anonymous visitor #48 dropped by over to "Wingers with Woodies".  It boggles my mind that a post over 2 years old still gets hit up with visitors.  It truly is the post that keeps on giving.  My latest visitor commented that it was typical of a libtard to moderate posts and limit his free speech.  I am still chuckling over the irony of that notion.


And one more time I have bunched some right winger panties.  It is indeed a good day.

Later........................................

Fundamentally, Things Remain the Same

"We need fundamental change."

So says Newt.  That begs the question, why is he running then?  While I could not agree with him more about the change, how can he possibly think any fundamental change will evolve out of the leadership of the  Right?  Or from the honchos on the Left for that matter?

I thought about what kind of "fundamental change" Newt might be referring to.   I am positive that he and I would disagree on the fundamentals.  The only fundamental change I see being offered up from the Right is beating Obama.  Other than that, they do not care to change anything fundamentally.  I see failed policies from the Bush years coming back gussied up with new titles.  Feed the rich and starve the poor and somehow everyone is happier as a result.

Where Did Winter Go?

I seem to remember creating a post about the three sides of my brain.  Of course that must have been at least a week or longer ago.  Memories fade faster than they used to.

Anyway, I have become used to slow boring hours pass at the bike shop in January and February.  Winter in Maine tends to dampen the bike riding zeal but for a few diehards who generally do not need much in the way of bike parts and accessories.  So I sit and proverbially twiddle my thumbs.

Not this year.  The truly odd winter and its lack of snow accompanied by very low average temps has stirred the hibernating Mainer out of his/her den much sooner than they are used to.  Some are cranky.  Some are pleased.  But everyone it seems is confused.