Sunday, January 22, 2012

A Newt Education

With the Blogosphere lighting up all over with posts about Gingrich's recent victory in South Carolina's Republican Primary, I thought I would join the fray and add my two cents worth.

But then I thought I wouldn't.  He won.  Who cares?  Let's move on.

Instead, I decided to attempt to distance one of my favorite critters from the bad influence of a poor excuse of a Presidential candidate. But first I needed to educate myself on Gringrich's namesake to make sure one was of a higher moral fiber than the other.  I had no need to educate myself on Newt, the politician.  His mug and comedic behavior has been around for years.  But the real Newt, well, I learned there was more to know than a quick run through at Wikipedia.

First of all, I always thought Newts and Salamanders were the same thing.  Apparently they are and they aren't.  Depends on who you listen to or what you read.  But after exhaustive searching that must have eaten up at least 30 minutes, the consensus of opinion is that Newts are a type of Salamander, or more correctly put, like I was some kind of science guy, newts are part of the:

Kingdom - Animalia
Phylum - Chordata
Class - Amphibia
Order - Caudata
Suborder - Salamandriodea
Family - Salamandridae

What this tells me is Newts are kissing cousins of Salamanders who generally hang out in different neighborhoods than their more wider spread relatives.  But you would not be wrong if you mistakenly called one the other or vice versa.  They realize they all look alike to white folk.  They don't foster any hard feelings though.  They know we humans are about as numb as they come when it comes to Salamanders and their day to day existence.

First of all I have to say it was quite a relief to know that I had correctly identified Sammy (pictured above) as not a Newt, but as a Salamander.  To be exact, Sammy is a Mole Salamander, and even more specific, he is a Spotted Salamander.  His kind live in the moist underbelly of Nature.  Sammy lived under the stone porch in front of the house.  It is possible he is still alive, but with Garter snakes being one of the few critters who see him as food, I don't hold out much hope.  I took this picture 2 years ago coming up in April.  He made no appearances this last year, so I guess he is now just more fertilizer somewhere in the yard.

I had hoped to draw some real life comparisons between Newt the Pol and Newt the amphibian.  Unfortunately all I could come up with is they are both from the same Kingdom and both it would seem are slimy to the touch.  I know the slim on many Salamanders is toxic, and I am guessing the same goes for Newt, the pol.  However, this is where the two part ways.

The Newt of the amphibious kind lives it life straight forward and free from duplicity and sleazy dealings with the critters in its neck of the woods.  It hunts, eats, fornicates as only amphibians can, and does its best to propagate the species.

Newt the Pol unfortunately is not an amphibian, but a lesser animal known as Homo Sapien-bloviatus-ahmda-coolest with the biggest erectus.  The bloviates of the Human species are found wherever man has planted roots and crapped in the woods.  They make sure their presence is known by trying to prove they are the smartest men in the room.  Although the bloviates can be female, most it would seem are male.  I understand it has something to do with a compensation issue based on the size of their reproductive glands.

Newt, the salamander carries no such baggage.  They know they are what they are and use what they were born with and are satisfied.

Being a Bloviate, Newt, the Pol has over the years managed to push hypocrisy from the cellar of human ethics and turn it into an art form.  He professes to have his regional populations interests at heart, yet time and time again, it is proven, Newt is only interested in Newt, and we should be too.  Why?  Well of course - he is the smartest man in the room.

Later Gator, I have a football game to watch....................................



okjimm said...

He Won... who cares. precisely.

I'm taking the 49ers and the Pats.

Have chips and dips ready.


I'm taking the niners and giving up the points and the pats and giving up the points..fuck the republicans

Tom Harper said...

That cute little creature at the top of your post is extremely offended that you compared him to Gingrich.

jadedj said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Very clever post. And, what Tom said.

BBC said...

I'll watch a movie.

Mr. Charleston said...

The comparisons are obvious. Slimy, bottom-dwelling creature who eats its offspring and then there is the salamander.

Randal Graves said...

Insert Holy Grail reference here.

MRMacrum said...

okjimm - Well you hit one right. Seems both games came down to a final fatal mistake.

YELLOWDOG GRANNY - Rematch, revenge, NY v Boston - another showdown between two great sports towns. And ditto your comment on the Republicans.

Tom - I had hoped to relay my feelings he was a much nobler creature than the human Newt.

jadedj - I thought the subject need to be brought up.

BBC - You bring things back down to earth sometimes with very few words - excellent.

Mr Charleston - I thought so.

Randal - Ah the missing piece. Thanks.