Friday, October 01, 2010

A Little of This and Some of That

I feel obligated to post something today.  But what?

There's the gubernatorial race here in Maine.  That is certainly worth mentioning.  After all our Republican candidate managed to get himself some national exposure by promising to tell Obama to go to Hell.  But I did not want to waste time or words on buffoons.  While the man is not an idiot, he surely played one on TV the other day.  Just the sort of class act I would love to see in Augusta. ........Riiiiight.

Maybe everyone would be interested in the excitement that visited my humble abode yesterday morning.  But no, I think not.  There are no words worthy enough to describe the edge of the seat suspense of watching Jeremy clean out our furnace.  Words would just fail me. 

I might mention the fellow in downtown Portland who doused himself with gasoline, walked out into the busy day and flicked his Bic.  Seems no one knows why. 

Then there's the ongoing trial of one Jason Twardus.  He is accused of strangling his ex-fiance in Alfred and burying her on land his father owns in northern New Hampshire.  He claims he was framed.  The State of Maine feels otherwise.  An interesting case if for no other reason than the defendant's name - Twardus.   I have had several fun filled moments considering the possible variations of that name he has had to deal with as he grew up.

A customer dropped off a bike a couple of days ago to be fixed.  This fellow is a respected doctor here in our area.  He is also one of the few I feel comfortable talking politics with.  So naturally when I saw him coming and noticed there was no one else in the shop, I pulled out my soapbox and was ready before he even made it in the door.  What should have been a two minute "Here's my bike, it needs fixing" exchange between customer and repair guy turned into a half hour sermon to the choir.  We covered healthcare, the election, with both of us mutually disgusted with the current political climate.  He was more forgiving of the Left than I was, but for the most part we came away from the conversation feeling good about ourselves.  At least I did.

One of the spontaneous thoughts I came up with as I spewed my outrage over the stupidity I was witnessing coast to coast stuck with me.  It was somewhere between where I was sharing my disdain for the cowardly leadership of the Left and my total contempt for the lying and shameless Right when I mentioned I thought someone from the Left should start spreading untrue rumors about the exalted leadership of the Right.  After all, spreading outrageous lies seemed to be doing the trick for the Right.  Fighting fire with fire sort of thing.

So even though I am but a token member of the Left..........Or should I say a very unreliable follower of the Left, I will now make up some rumor that will hopefully spread like a disease through out this land to help offset the blatant lies coming from the folks on the Right who will believe anything as long as it comes from Rush, Hannity, Greta, or Beck.

Maybe Obama was born in Kenya, maybe he wasn't.  At least he was born on this planet.  I have it on good authority that  Glenn Beck is really the offspring of a coupling between a waitress in Utah and an alien from a whirlpool galaxy far beyond the borders of our own Milky Way.  

Xriden had stopped off at a rundown greasy spoon and two pump fuel stop in the middle of the Salt Flats for some chaw and a donut.  He just could not take his eyes off Wanda, the 300 pound waitress with the big hair.   Apparently aliens of Xriden's race like their females large and with hair on their upper lip.  So he took her with him.

Wanda did not mind.  It was not as if she had many men courting her anyway.  Besides, when Xriden picked up that donut with his tongue and twirled it in circles, she just melted.  Her one good eye twinkled.

So off into Space they went.   As this is almost a PG rated blog, I will spare you the sordid details of what went on inside the capsule as they plummeted from asteroid to asteroid.  Use your sick imaginations if you must.

At some point in this heated romance, the spark died.  Neither Xriden nor Wanda were to blame.  They just grew tired of each other.  Once the excitement of physical contact waned, they were left with what?  Conversation?  Yeah, you can only imagine what an alien from beyond the Milky Way and a waitress from Utah might have in common to talk about.  

Xriden decided that it was time to dump this broad.  Being from a race that prided itself on being forthright ( it was actually one of their commandments), he told Wanda he was tired of her and would be dropping her off as fast as he could boost his ship back to Earth.

"Yeah well that's fine with me jerk wad.  I was getting bored with the tongue twirling anyway. "

The now unhappy couple headed back to Earth.   It was to be a long silent ride for both of them.  During that 6 month return trip not ten words passed between them.  Wanda, already a rather large full sized woman, did not notice what was growing inside her.  She thought the discomfort in her gut was from eating that god awful crap Xriden called food.  In reality she was with child.    About a week before touch down, she felt immense pain in her stomach.  Assuming it was something she ate, she excused herslf and headed to the ship's privy.  Before she had taken three steps, Glenn Beck dropped into existence.

Xriden looked at what had plopped flopping on the deck of the ship.  "Oh great, I did it again."

Wanda was in shock.  She stepped back and looked on in horror as Xriden calmly pulled a mason jar half filled with pickles off a shelf and stuffed Glenn into it.  Screwing on the lid, Xriden turned to Wanda.  " He'll keep just fine until we touch down in Utah."  Xriden handed the mason jar to Wanda.

"But Xriden, what am I supposed to do with that?"  Wanda scrutinized the being wiggling inside the jar amongst the homemade pickles Xriden had brought from his home planet.

"Darling, I don't care what you do with it.  But it came out of you.  You own it now.  Consider it a gift."

A week later Xriden dropped off Wanda and the pickle jar with Glenn inside at the Grey Hound bus station in Salt Lake City.  Handed her a twenty dollar bill.  "It's been real darling.  Have a good life."  And then he was gone.

Wanda had some tough times for a few years.  But eventually she let Glenn out of the jar and they both settled down in some backwater burg in Utah.  Wanda hooked up with a guy named Jack who changed tires at a local truck stop.  Wanda went back to waitressing and Glenn grew up to become the towering intellect we have all learned to appreciate.  Wanda never ate another pickle the rest of her life.

There it is.  The true story of how Glenn Beck came into being.   Don't believe the hype he was born in Everett, Washington.  Has he ever shown us his birth certificate?  I don't think so.


Randal Graves said...

HA! Dude, you're such a twardus.

Drackar said...

It explains EVERYTHING!.

Demeur said...

You realize of course that the air and waters of Everett, Wa were so polluted back then that any mutation is likely.