As I sit here in the outback of Fake America, I ponder the usefulness of trying to continue my fruitless effort at convincing Real America I am not a socialistic sexual deviant who thinks babies should be killed instead of being raised to become Real Americans. I can see now I am fooling no one. Pulling the wool over the eyes of those sharp as a tack minds found in Real America is an exercise in futility. They have my number. They have me pegged. I may as well admit it now.
I guess my subterfuge was really just a manifestation of my urge to belong. My deep and secret desire to be part of Real America. I know now I will never be a member of that exclusive club called "My Friends". As I gaze in envy and listen to the leader of Real America call his friends to action, I know I will not be part of it. And though it hurts to admit, I have to be honest with myself. I will never measure up.
But I guess once the pain has diminished, the reality of exclusion sinks in, and I accept who I really am, I will bounce back. Even Fake Americans like me have some worth. Not much maybe, but if enough of us pull together, we might be able to help Real America, by carrying their bags, washing their clothes, and bending over when the need for Real Americans to expunge those less than civil urges comes over them.
Though I know I am a fake and a fraud, you Real Americans own some of the blame. Your forefathers were less than specific when they did not break down the differences between Americans who were real and Americans who were fake. The Constitution is noticeably vague on this point. By design or by accident, your forefathers created the confusion we Fake Americans have to this day. I guess even a Real American can make a mistake. I never thought it possible. But there it is.
Maybe an update on the original document might be in order. A red asterisk placed next to any reference to Americans with a polite but blunt explanation at the bottom that explains your forefathers meant Real Americans when they wrote Americans or citizen, not the fake ones like me.
This won't help me. I had to discover my stigma the hard way. But making note of the differences in the Constitution now would certainly help any new Fake Americans coming up avoid the mistake of thinking they actually belong here in Real America. That but for the grace of God and Real Americans and their soft spot for us, we would most likely be shot or at the very least exported to Cuba or some other lefty leaning low rent country.
In addition to the asterisks, a brief "Real America Primer" might be a good idea to have tacked on in the back. A list of rules and regs that clearly spell out what it takes to be a Real American. Some suggestions -
~ If you live in a Blue state - You are not a Real American
This one should resolve the issue for most of the territory found within the US borders. It will quickly define the areas where you can possibly live as a Real American and where you can't.
~ If you make less than $250,000 per year, you are not a Real American
Again, this will quickly shift the numbers of Fake Americans who might live in Real America into the right category of being unpatriotic losers waiting for handouts from Real Americans.
~ If you don't go to church, specifically a Christian church, you are not a Real American
I'm sorry, but restricting admittance based on faith is not negotiable. It says so in the Bible.
~ If you are not a member of the Republican Party, you are not a Real American
And just joining will not ensure you become real, but it's worth a shot as long as the previous requirements have been met. A review board in your community will scrutinize your application. Provided you have met the base requirements, they will pass it up to regional headquarters. You may still belong to the Republican Party, but not as a Real Republican. You will be designated a RINO if this happens.
~If you have to ask what a RINO is - you definitely are not a Real American
It may be impossible for you to overcome this hurdle. Real Americans take a dim view of pretenders who can't even speak the lingo.
~ If You belong to a Union, you are not a Real American.
This is non-negotiable. Real Americans know that it was Jimmy Carter and the Unions that have ruined our economy and set the World against us. As a matter of fact, just having been a union member in your past excludes you forever from being a Real American. Rules are rules. Real Americans abide by them. Real Americans don't flirt with commies, socialists and other retro bates that are found throughout every union in this great country.
~If you have a Democrat or a homosexual in your family tree going back 5 generations, you are not a Real American.
In an attempt to keep the species of Real Americans pure and unblemished for future generations to come, this condition was installed in recent years. It is a known fact that Democrats are gay and prone to evil thoughts like sharing and stuff. According to the Falwell School of Creative Genetics, it has been determined that God created Democrats by fiddling with our gene pool. Boy doesn't he have a sick sense of humor. Exhaustive study of the Bible and God's words found between the lines have confirmed what many Real Americans knew from birth. Homosexuality is evil and only Democrats would choose to be evil.
So even though Real Americans know homosexuality is a choice, it is the Democratic gene that creates this urge to be a homosexual. And it takes at least 5 generations of breeding with Real Americans before the Democrat gene is expunged from your bloodline. Of course you have to find a Real American who will agree to exchange fluids. Sometimes around last call down to "Bubba's Old Glory Bar n Grill", a Real American can be located who is having a weak moment and will invite you home. But only if you are wearing a flag pin or a tee shirt that says "Bomb, Bomb, Bomb - Bomb, bomb Iran. Remember even Real Americans who are under the influence insist on keeping up appearances.
My list is most likely incomplete. It is after all, a list compiled by a Fake American who had to figure all this out on his own with the limiting IQ we Fake Americans are cursed with. Any help a Real American might want to bless me with to clear up misconceptions and/or add to the list would be most appreciated.
Remember when they say "God Bless America", what they really mean is "God Bless Real America". The rest of us can and will go to Hell.