Anonymous

When I opened my first web page back in the olden days around 1994 or so, Jay, my computer geek buddy, warned me emphatically that using my real name or any derivative would surely attract every sleaze bag of the WWW to my IP address. I would be ripped off, bugs would be let loose inside the guts of my computer, and I would find strange men with drool on their chins outside my house in vans.

Okay, so he was not completely wrong. But he was also not even close to my reality. Yeah, I have had viruses, worms, and other creepy crawlers infest my machinery over the last 14 years. But I'm still waiting for the drooly chin men waiting in vans outside my house.

Seems I don't rate enough to turn on the perverts. Not young enough. Or not old enough. I'm handsome, but not in that Brad Pitt sort of way. More like an Andy Rooney with a beard. That man has the greatest eyebrows. I entertained getting some eye brow extensions for mine, but thought it was a tad pretentious. I also could not find any hair place that would do it.

All my wife and I had to offer the sleazy and the deviant of the Internet world was our less than stellar financial situation. My guess is once a hacker hacked in and found cobwebs instead of geenbacks, they left disgusted. And then somewhere someplace on some Hacker WWW bulletin board, our name was posted under the "Deadbeats" section. Can't steal something if it isn't there. I kept hoping one of them would steal some of my debt. Apparently they are smarter than that.

Over the years I have picked up the common sense tricks to minimize the infrequent but pain in the ass invasions of my data banks. I have my virus program, my spy program, a spiffy ad blocking program, and my spam filter set to wow on the email account. I don't publish my SS number, my bank account number, or my shoe size. Seems it's always numbers these flounders want. I keep my numbers private and secret. You want my hat size, you better bring the waterboard.

I had my fling with Internet porn 10 years ago. Lasted oh, maybe a couple of weeks. But like porn flicks, I just did not understand the fascination. There are only so many positions and so many ways to view them. Once I had covered them all, I went away. Maybe that's why no drooly chinned men in vans come around. Or maybe I needed to visit the sites that offer up real perversions like one armed fat chicks, naked men in wheelchairs, or dogs and cats in love. I wore my interest out on the run of the mill hip slappin. Wasting time on the fringes was just that, wasting time.

If I want animal porn, I have 8 live furry actors who simulate the nasty on a regular basis. Buster, our 19 pound tomcat is quite the stud. Even though his pump is dry and the wells he tries to pump are empty, he still insists on keeping his technique sharp and ready to roll. And he is bi also. So every cat gets his undivided attention on a regular basis. I don't need drooly chin guys in vans outside with Buster in the house.

My dad always insisted that to live any part of your life incognito was being dishonest. He always signed his name in that obnoxious bold way of his. When he called up a neighbor to complain, he started the conversation with, "This is Bob Macrum and if you don't keep that expletive deleted mutt out of my vegetable garden........" He always stood up and was counted when it came time to witness. If he turned someone in, they knew it was Bob Macrum who did it.

And I guess I carry on this tradition. This is me and I said it, did it, or thought it. It has cost me on occasion. Some lumps and black eyes as a kid. One tussle at a football game put the other guy in the hospital. He tripped and fell on a broken bottle. Went right into his back. I'd love to say it was my awesome fighting ability, but well, I don't have any awesome fighting abilities. I am very good though with my awesome "running away" abilities.

When it came time for me to enter the Blogger world, I decided to continue my non-anonymous ways. I have posted my name, my hometown, and enough pictures that should cover any questions a drooly chin guy in a van might come up with. And the authorities already know me. In several states. Can't hide from them. They have black helicopters, infrared sensors, and laser directed missiles trained on me at this very moment. Trying to be anonymous is a fool's game. Someone out there knows who you are.