Tuesday, January 20, 2015

The State of the Union

"My fellow Americans."

The President pauses and looks up at the peanut gallery for just one friendly face.  He finds none. So he looks back at his teleprompter.  He sees the words so carefully crafted, polished and contrived to convince the citizens he is on top of it all.  He shakes his head and a slight grin forms at the corners of his mouth.

"My fellow Americans ......... Once a year at least, my job as your president is to come down here to the hallowed halls of Congress to make a speech.  I would rather not be here, but being here is a requirement of my job.  It is actually written in the Constitution that I show up. I have this speech set up on the teleprompter.  It is about the State of the Union.  It is my take on where this country is now, where it was last year, and where it is headed in the near future.  Once I have hit all the bullet points, you will know what we as Americans should be concerned with.  The economy, jobs, taxes, and because it is just 24 hours since MLK Day, I suppose I ought toss out few thoughts on race and content of character crap."

The President pauses once again.  This pause is expected.  It allows the audience time to fulfill their obligation to applause after every paragraph   Instead there is silence.  Nothing.  The President looks out and sees the wide eyed look of astonishment on every face in the room.  His grin turns to a full blown smile.

"But I know you don't want to hear it.  What you should be concerned with sucks hind tit to what really concerns you.  You would much rather worry about deflated footballs, what Katy Perry will wear at Super Bowl halftime and will Lenny Kravitz show wearing his classic mirrored sunglasses.  And of course there is the possible cut of Taylor Swift from Triple J's Hot 100 list.  This would indeed be tragic and affect all of us for at least the next 5 seconds.

Another pause.  Another moment of silence.  The President sweeps the room with his eyes.

"So I won't stand up here and bore you with what I think is important to us as Americans.  You already know what is important.  All you need is a twitter account and a few apps to fill you in on that.  Worrying about the ethics of our sports teams weighs heavier on your minds than the shady dealings in the smoke filled back rooms of this building."

The President doesn't pause this time.  He pushes forward and his smile fades.

"I just do not care anymore as it has become grossly apparent that you don't care either.  The state of the union is a mess and you only have yourselves to blame.  Thank you very much and go fuck yourselves."

The President steps back.  He raises his hand as if to wave and then turns his hand and flips everyone there the finger and walks out.
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Later Gator ...................................................

10 comments:

Nan said...

If there had been a snowball's chance he'd actually say that, I might have watched.

The Blog Fodder said...

He made better points in your speech than in his own

BBC said...

Hahahahahahaha

Ol'Buzzard said...

If only.
the Ol'Buzzard

Kulkuri said...

It is actually written in the Constitution that I show up.
The Constitution only says the President has to give Congress a report. Washington sent a letter and it would have been sweet if Obama had just sent a letter after hearing the bullshit about the Speaker possibly not inviting him to give the SOTU speech!!

MRMacrum said...

Nan - I felt the same and that is why I came up with my own speech.

Blog Fodder - Well thanks. Can you tell I am pretty fed up with the citizens of this country.

BBC - Glad you liked it

Ol'Buzzard - Yeah, if only.

Kulkiri - since I could not believe I was wrong, I looked it up. As it turns out I was completely wrong and you were half wrong. You got it right about just supplying a report and not doing it in person. But it was Jefferson who first used a written report. Apparently ole GW did indeed do it in person.

PresterJohn said...

Crummy For President!

BBC said...

Got snow?

MRMacrum said...

Prester John - I would tell you they couldn't pay me enough. But I would be lying. Seems like a good gig what with the golden parachute and bodyguards and stuff.

BBC - Yah, we got snow -- bout 3 feet in 4 days which leaves quite a base on the ground.

Tom Harper said...

LOL. Maybe for his final SOTU speech next January he'll 'nad up and give that speech.