Loss

In a few minutes I will take a break from writing this to dig a hole in the backyard as I have done all too many times before.  I will take some time to pick just the right spot, as if it will make a difference and somehow allow her to lay comfortably in the afternoon sun, the morning sun or out of the wind that often blows tirelessly over our hilltop.

Somehow finding the right resting place is important in my grieving process.  In my mind I know it matters little what I do with her physical remains.  But in my heart, picking the right piece of ground brings me some small comfort and eases my pain if only for a moment or two.

As I plunge the spade into the ground and scoop out the earth, each shovel full will bring with it a memory of our 13 years together.  And with each shovel full of dirt, I will come closer to accepting the notion that she will be truly gone from my life, ....... from this life.

I will shed tears.  I always do.  The little bastards always manage to find their way into my heart, even as I deal with their inevitable accidents and stupid pet tricks.

But the time has come.  Prolonging her life at this point is not doing it for her.  It is prolonging it for me and my wife.  Her suffering must end, and today is the day.

R.I.P Stub, I will miss you.