Self-smitten with pretentious computer geekness, I strode through the front doors of that scary monster Ebay Internet super store earlier today. First thing in the morning, right out of the sack, I was sure of myself. Pumped full of caffiene and freshly brushed breath, I exuded confidence. I had no pre-sweat, clamy hands, or odd facial tics. I was going to turn my first Ebay encounter into a conquest. No way was I going to hang nervous on the fringes and let this evil retail ogre, so innocuously named Ebay intimdate me. You didn't scare me Ebay. When I logged in this A.M. You were no big deal. Nothing to get my panties in a bunch over. Just another website run by chumps with thick glasses who use plastic liners for their pens in the pocket of their buttoned up nice and tight collared shirts bought from Walmart. Their spindly white boy arms sticking out of those short cotton sleeves Twiggy skinny and pale. Picking their nose with one hand while typing in some insidious trap with the other girly hand. They laugh and cackle as they seek code to destroy and humilate all noobs.
No way Ray! Go jump in the lake Jake! I'll own your sorry butts in a moment or two,...Stu! This 50-something pear-shaped good ole boy from the woods of Maine was not going to get trapped in your game. Ayuh! That was the plan Stan. The overall scheme Jean.
That's how my day started anyway. Full of myself. I breezed through re-newing all that was necessary to become another Ebay overnight success. Brought all accounts up to date. Put new pass words in place. Each category was properly filled, fulfilled and happy.
I shut the computer down. Striking out with a light step and a pleased with myself demeanor, I headed to the bike shop. When I got home, I would put that first end of the season bike shop orphan on the auction block. Yes, listing that first bike would be a piece of cake. Take an hour, maybe even two. Getting my account straightened out was the hard part...........Riiiiight.
That was 12 hours earlier today when the day was full of promise. Now, well, all I can say is, today took what it promised when the Sun came up and stuffed it up my sorry butt.
Sat down around 8:00 P.M. Punched up the puter, cracked my fingers and with steady hands hit the Ebay bookmark. Which is just about the time it all went South. Ebay wouldn't let me log in. Disgusted with this first sizable glitch, I fired off a moderately pissed off email hitting the high spots on my first malfunction. Of course as soon as I sent the email, I was able to log in before that Email got half way to Sanford.
I then managed to flounder into the right window to list something to sell. I decided I ought to at least say I read the directions. I located the highly touted audio-visual "How to Sell Tutorial" window. This helpful guide would tell me all I needed to know to make Millions and Gillions from all the useless junk that has been collecting dust these last 9 years in the bike shop basement. Even ran this helpful "How To" piece twice just to make sure I didn't understand it the first time.
"Screw it", I thought, "If twice through doesn't do it, learn by doing". So I threw the directions out into the internet ether. Definitely a guy thing. Directions have an irritating habit of adding confusion to befuddlement.
Next, I spent an hour uploading pictures, entering specs and picking all the spiffy little extras that would ensure a robust and heated Auction. It was now time to figure up the shipping and handling costs. So of course one of those really irritating "update now" pop-ups popped up. Happy as if I had a brain, I mindlessly followed the directions with a reflexive deep mucle memory punch of the cursor that should have been labeled, "Yeah, sure I'm an idiot. I"ll just punch this button here."
Seems that ole Bill Gates doesn't approve of programs created by those losers in California named Apple,Inc. Yes, I felt personally, the animosity and dis-respect they had for each other. As soon as I hit the upload button, my computer flashed........>
ERROR! WARNING! YOU BLEW IT BUD! WE ARE SHUTTING HER DOWN NOW! YOU ARE A CLUELESS CLOWN AND DESERVE MORE THAN THIS, BUT WE DO FEEL SOME OBLIGATION TO PROTECT YOU FROM YOURSELF!
And that's just what my new computer did. Turned itself off. Cut me out of the WWW loop. So abrupt was the crash, the supposedly saved listing was shot out into the stratosphere someplace. I imagine it is somewhere between here and the Moon about now.
I was stunned and my mind was now blank. Rather than walk away for a few, I spent another fruitless 1/2 hour trying send April of the online help chatroom a healthy piece of my mind. That did not work and I stumbled around the Ebay underground for another hour until I found the top secret hidden and only found by accident bonafide "Contact Us" spot. I hope they take that final email as just another brainless rant by an obvious clueless noob who has done a very poor job of handling the bite he thought he could chew.
Please Lord deliver me from the nighmare I am trapped in. Bring back the sanity. Sooth my addled mind and wipe the drool from my chin. Uncross my eyes Lord. Once a proud World Wide Web retro-grouch, I sit here a humbled and pitiful Internet reprobate.
Would someone please give me a straight jacket and provide the GPS coordinates of the nearest rubber room? I am ready Betty. Ready to check in and maybe never check out.
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