Sunday, September 25, 2005

Confronting a Demon

I was going to avoid this today. I wanted to impart something light and of no consequnce to me or anyone else. Just write some nonsense. But I cannot.

The loss of my nephew hangs over my thoughts like a cloud. His tragedy lurks in the background wrapping everything I do with saddness. The sorrow I feel is more than just the grief of personal loss. It is the grief I have for the loss of a whole family. My nephew's disappearance just brought it to the forefront. Years of self-imposed exile from my family is now exacting a toll. Years of dealing with brother issues by not dealing with them is now "the other side of the story".

I am not sure why I am writing about this obviously personal problem. Sometimes I gain better perspective about how I feel when I write everything down. In this situation, better perspective may not be what I need. What may be needed is to stop feeling guilty and do something to save what I can out of this damaged relationship.

But first I have to finish being angry. I am astonished at just how angry I really am. Actually, the anger I have now is the result of not dealing with this issue years ago. Not confronting my brother was a mistake. Giving as good as I got is not working out. I allowed the years and distance between us to build a wall of resentment that is now tough to breach.

At the least, a first step has been taken at my end. I have my other brother to thank for that. He made the phone call about my nephew. And now I have to come to grips with the immediate sorrow and the pent up rage that has accumulated over the past 15 years. A demon has jumped in my face. It is time to deal with this one.