Dark Sands Revisited

A recent facebook post by PW talked about his 25 year battle with Depression. Depression has had many names over the years. I don't know it as fact, but my guess is Depression is the most common mental issue humans have to deal with.

I have had my own battle also. I wrote the following well over a decade ago.

Depression crept up behind him and slithered in unnoticed.  Like sand in a hour glass, the dark grains accumulated in the bottom of his soul.  After 62 years on the planet, his soul could hold no more.

He had not left his house in weeks.  His wife walked around him and sadness filled their home of 35 years. No one called.  No one stopped by.  He was no longer part of the world that had no problem leaving him behind.

He did not feel sad.  He had passed sad many floors ago.  He felt guilt and shame.  Guilt for what, he was not exactly sure.  Shame for letting himself and everyone else down.  But guilt and shame was all he had now, so he wrapped himself in the guilt and strapped it on tight with his shame.  The longer he wore them, the more comfortable they felt.  He felt his soul imploding, shrinking, trying to hide from itself.  He did not care any more.

Sure he was nearing the tipping point, he began to make plans.  Complicated plans.  Simple plans.  And many different plans in between.  He tried to plan recoveries.  He tried to plan a variety of ends.  But try as he might, he just couldn't get off his ass to implement a single one of them.  Instead, he slow cooked in his misery and discontent, hoping some day he might find some relief. 

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Depression is one of the human conditions we humans historically have denied. To be depressed is a character flaw, something we can control if we just "man up". It has been that way for millenniums. No one really wanted to admit it existed. They had all kinds of names for it through the years. No matter what name it went by, the condition always carried with it, a stigma, an unspoken feeling by others that the depressed were somehow at fault; that all they had to do was snap out of it.

Let just say, that pit can seem so deep, "snapping out of it" was the last thing on my mind. My depression became so awful after a bad experience with some meds in the early 2000's, I attempted suicide. I don't know if it waas a call for help or me just not thinking through the actual mechanics of how to kill myself. I survived the attempt and now, well over 20 years later, I understand Depression better and how it relates to me. I have learned how to ride it out better. The path I have taken has been prescription drug free only because of my fear of pharmaceuticals after the suicide ideation I developed from taking drugs prescribed for me as a cure for Hepatitus.

A friend asked me some years back what did Depression felt like.  I am sure everyone has their own notion of what it is or isn't. I told him that for me, it was non-existence with my eyes open.  Nothing mattered.  Nobody cared, least of all me.  The out there world was a fantasy land that was maybe or maybe not just a fig-newton of my imagination. 

In my mind identifying and facing Depression was the first big step. Ignoring it didn't work. Denying it certainly didn't either. Admitting to myself I was prone to it and then coming out of the Depression Closet was the best thing I ever did to fight it. It has been a much easier chore to deal with these past two decades.

Being in the middle emotionally may not be true happiness, but I figure it is probably a great place to start looking for it. Existing in the Pit or riding the Wave of Mania offers either No Hope or False Hope. That is not safe way to live.

Later Gators ..............................................

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I may have played this video before. Today, I will play it again. I play it often now days because I like to remind myself how close I was to blowing it and how stupid I was for making that attempt. The artist Ren, is an awesome songwriter and musician. In his short life so far, he has dealt with many worse issues I than I have over the 73 years I have taken up space on this planet. Here is "Hi Ren", by Ren. It's not necessary to like it, but to listen to it might create a connection.