Worn Out Welcomes

I sometimes wonder what welcomes I have worn down, worn out over the years I have stacked up behind me. Blissful and ignorant, my Younger self stretched the limits of more than a few relationships, friendships. Blithely, and with no concern for what my actions might cause in others, I forged ahead with my agenda whatever it was or might become. I meant no harm, but invariably I still hurt some feelings over the years.

My Older self would like to imagine any pain I may have caused to be minor hits like we all take as we beat our way through the jungle from the cradle to our graves. I would guess that it is normal my older self would skim over the unpleasant times and dwell only on the good ones.

But would that be honest? Memories collected to make my youth look like some 1950s sitcom may be by themselves true. What about the filler, the moments and times in between I would just as soon forget? Rough times and ugly moments also left scars, imprints on what I was, what I became. I am nothing now but an accumulation of moments, good and bad.

Facing up to all of them is difficult. Some dark times I can only remember in pieces and parts. A facial expression…… Eyes filled with pain staring me down…. The way I felt when another's words cut me like a knife……. A ten second slice remembering my physical escape after hurting someone deep………… Or the ten seconds watching their backside fade into the sunset after they wrenched my guts out.

Remembering the pain can often leave me feeling better in the here and now. Even though I will sometimes wince internally when certain memories pass by, I notice now that I have come through them all without being bitter over the hurt caused me and only minor pangs of guilt still linger over the pain I caused in others. My list of regrets is actually rather short. And that makes me feel good.