Saturday, November 13, 2010
And the Mania Continues
I am sure now somewhere in my gulliwots down deep inside, my wiring is whacked. The 110 current I normally run on intermittently gets a dose of 220. Can yo say hyper? And then other times, it drops to 55 volts and my system suffers a brown out. I slow to a crawl and have even slowed to a stop on occasion. I never really considered...............no, I guess I did but never would admit it. I have since I can remember, lived my life from one high to a low and back again. It has only in the last ten years my erratic behaviour become more of an issue as the depths I hit are deeper and the highs, well, they are some cool.
Off and on throughout my adult life, I have had medical professionals of one specialty or another advise me to consider using the latest wonder drug to smooth out my peaks and valleys. "No thanks Doc," I always told them. If I want medicine I'll self medicate.
I convinced myself through heroic and herculean effort to safely self deny. I didn't need no stinkin Prozac. Sure the Black Dog was no fun when it came sniffing around, But Jeez wasn't it great when I climbed up and out to the tippy top of the trees. I made sure I tuned in when an acquaintance, friend, or enemy would indicate they hated whatever designer drug their chosen doctor put them on. I pretty much ignored any positive information, sure that the Depression racket was just that, a frickin racket.
Call this my coming out. The point of my life where I stop walking around it, denying it, and admit that I have at the least a mild case of manic depression. What I used to call "feeling down" or even more cryptic, "down in the dumps", is flat out Depression. There I finally admitted it to myself, to whoever stops by and whoever may not.
Once I felt ashamed of my falls from grace. But well, now I am neither shamed nor proud. It's the way it is. Unless I want to dilute the frantic flow of my life through the magic of chemistry, I will have to learn to deal with the occasional nosedive. Cuz I just don't know if I can give up the special highs the Manic part of the trip gives me. Damn if it ain't like drugs. And its free for the taking. Almost like I'm growing my own dope.
Keep it 'tween the ditches.............................................................................