Saturday, November 13, 2010

And the Mania Continues

Yesterday I shared my previous day of living Life on the frantic side of normal.  8 hours of construction labor followed by a night that ended a couple of hours before the Sun came up.  I worked, I danced, and then I punched some words and poked my next story a little further down the road.  Passed out around 3:30AM.  Got up at 6:00 AM and was driving to Loews for some home improvement supplies by 7:30 AM.  Had the lumber, fasteners and some handtool knick knacks secured in the truck by 9 and was home by 10.  Went to the bike shop, put in a full day and when I got home I felt the same fatigue I had the day before.  My body was toast, and dammitt, my brain was still spinning hard in the red zone.  Just a hint of what a full night's sleep feels like would have been appreciated.

I am sure now somewhere in my gulliwots down deep inside, my wiring is whacked.  The 110 current I normally run on intermittently gets a dose of 220.  Can yo say hyper?  And then other times, it drops to 55 volts and my system suffers a brown out.  I slow to a crawl and have even slowed to a stop on occasion.  I never really, I guess I did but never would admit it.  I have since I can remember, lived my life from one high to a low and back again.  It has only in the last ten years my erratic behaviour become more of an issue as the depths I hit are deeper and the highs, well, they are some cool.

Off and on throughout my adult life, I have had medical professionals of one specialty or another advise me to consider using the latest wonder drug to smooth out my peaks and valleys.  "No thanks Doc," I always told them.  If I want medicine I'll self medicate.

 I convinced myself through heroic and herculean effort to safely self deny.  I didn't need no stinkin Prozac.  Sure the Black Dog was no fun when it came sniffing around, But Jeez wasn't it great when I climbed up and out to the tippy top of the trees.  I made sure I tuned in when an acquaintance, friend, or enemy would indicate they hated whatever designer drug their chosen doctor put them on.  I pretty much ignored any positive information, sure that the Depression racket was just that, a frickin racket.

Call this my coming out.   The point of my life where I stop walking around it, denying it, and admit that I have at the least a mild case of manic depression.  What I used to call "feeling down" or even more cryptic, "down in the dumps", is flat out Depression.  There I finally admitted it to myself, to whoever stops by and whoever may not. 

Once I felt ashamed of my falls from grace.  But well, now I am neither shamed nor proud.  It's the way it is.  Unless I want to dilute the frantic flow of my life through the magic of chemistry, I will have to learn to deal with the occasional nosedive.  Cuz I just don't know if I can give up the special highs the Manic part of the trip gives me.   Damn if it ain't like drugs.  And its free for the taking.  Almost like I'm growing my own dope.

Keep it 'tween the ditches.............................................................................


susan said...

I think it's impossible to live in our society with any degree of clarity and not suffer depression. I firmly believe if it weren't for the meds a helluva lot of people would be angry for the right reasons.

Personally, meditation (or at least the part I've deduced) helps a lot.

The Blog Fodder said...

The going up is worth the coming down.

Demeur said...

As long as you are aware of your situation does it really matter? You spend a good part of your youth seeking those highs and lows through medicinal means. Why pay someone your hard earned money so you can feel the middle ground? Sounds like purgatory to me.

BBC said...

Life doesn't bother us much until we start paying attention to it.

Back in the good old days there was just work and fun and some booze.

Now some beer is my prozac after looking at the news and dealing with the available women around here.

Oh hell, who am I kidding, even on a flat line playing field I would still want some beer everyday.

I don't take any doctors advice by avoiding doctors.

Kulkuri said...

"I firmly believe if it weren't for the meds a helluva lot of people would be angry for the right reasons."
This may explain a lot about the situation in this country these days. If you're not pissed, you're not paying attention!!

Hope you get your situation figured out. Not having had any personal exerience, don't know what to say, but I have seen what it does to others. I think that when it comes to meds, there is a fine line between smoothing out the peaks and valleys and turning one into a zombie.

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Randal Graves said...

Good job, now the DEA is going to be arresting your brain.

El Cerdo Ignatius said...

I've done battle with depression (not severe, thank goodness) a few times. Unfortunately, there is no upside mania wave to accompany it. There is normal, and there's down. I've only resorted to medication once, but to this day I'm not sure if it helped or if I pulled out of it on my own.

Bottom line is I think you have the right approach. Avoid doctors at all costs; they'll just write you up an order at the pharmacy and send you on your way.