Thursday, July 12, 2007

What Was I Thinking

I had plans to share tales of my years living on the road jockeying big rigs around this huge land of ours. I searched through many many thumbnails for a decent picture of a big truck. I looked for a picture that reminded me of the trucks I had become friends and ultimately enemies with. Not satisfied with the many sad examples that passed my view, I came upon this icon of the hippy years. The years I came of age. The years I found wonder and trouble just about everyday.

I sat and stared at this cartoon by R Crumb and forgot for a moment the substance abuse Hell I lived through then. I dismissed the long lonely times when I lived alone in my truck, washed my clothes and showered at the closest Union 76 truck stop. I pushed back the memories of an all asphalt super slab world. The cops, the logs, and the haze I existed in. Lost in my Pollyanna memories I longed for the stink of diesel that hung on me day in day out.

I sat and stared at this picture and saw it as R Crumb probably meant it. An inspiration to the hip and the stoned. Life goes on and you just need to "keep on truckin". Keep on keepin on. I thought for a moment. He was right. And from the way things turned out, that is just what I did.

No plan. I kept waking up everyday and found my way to the next day. I am here now, sober and sane these last 30 years. And for the life of me, I have no idea why I had to hit bottom so many times in so many ways so long ago. No regrets. But I am some puzzled now about just what the Hell I was thinking.


Anonymous said...

That's interesting. Because when I was a teenager (early 90s) I really, really wanted to be an alcoholic poet and novelist and traveler. I don't know why I thought I had to be an alcoholic, but it seemed right. As it turned out, I'm not very good at any of it, not even the drinking, and so I'm content to go through carpool lines at school listening to Phish and the Dead, and reading stuff other people wrote, and not feeling even a little remorse over it. It's a good attitude to have.

MRMacrum said...

We all seem to want to be something we aren't when we are punk teenagers. I found accumulating the years to sort of settle things out and I ended up where I should be.

And good for you missbossypants. You seem to have become comfortable with yourself. IMO, that's the kindest thing we can do for ourselves.

Apertome said...

I chuckled about this. But let's face it, we all have done stupid things at one time or another.

I sometimes wonder what I was thinking (and it wasn't all that long ago that I was being a total idiot), but I do think that stupid stuff in some way contributes to our overall character.